[MajestyJo]

Step Four

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."


Creation gave us instincts for a purpose. Without them we wouldn't be complete human beings. If men and women didn't exert themselves to be secure in their persons, made no effort to harvest food or construct shelter, there would be no survival. If they didn't reproduce, the earth wouldn't be populated. If there were no social instinct, if men cared nothing for the society of one another, there would be no society. So these desires--for the sex relation, for material and emotional security, and for companionship--are perfectly necessary and right, and surely God-given.

Yet these instincts, so necessary for our existence, often far exceed their proper functions. Powerfully, blindly, many times subtly, they drive us, dominate us, and insist upon ruling our lives. Our desires for sex, for material and emotional security, and for an important place in society often tyrannize us. When thus out of joint, man's natural desires cause him great trouble, practically all the trouble there is. No human being, however good, is exempt from these troubles. Nearly every serious emotional problem can be seen as a case of misdirected instinct. When that happens, our great natural assets, the instincts, have turned into physical and mental liabilities.

Step Four revealed my human qualities, some I wasn't too proud of and some I wished to ignore and certainly not admit to. At first I was very fearful. The main reason being the strict religious upbring I had which said I was a big sin and along the way, I had compounded interest and I was sure my inventory would ensure that I would burn in hell although I felt that I had already been there.

Step Four was to be an inventory of who I was in today. Not who I wished to be, not the person I perceived myself to be, not the person I tried to project onto other people into believing I was. It was about the real me and what I needed to change in my life to maintain my sobriety.

I had to identify old patterns and behaviors. I had to determine characteristic traits that were negative and positive, I had to look at where my addiction had taken me. Not inventory the girl who went to sunday school, the teenage who taught sunday school, not the woman who sang int he choir, not the young bridge, the mother, the divorcee, the alcoholic, the woman who married for security, the woman who was abused, the divorcee, the addict who ended up alone, who gave away a piece of herself everytime she picked up and had to look at who was left and what was needed to fill the empty void within her when she made the decision to give up the drug and alcohol. They had become her identiy. They had directed her life for a long time. Who was this person standing at the doorway to the road to recovery.

Instincts that had run riot. Instincts that where lost. I had become a walking 'It' and shut down with no feelings (good or bad), isolation of the spirit, and a person who had given up on life and thought there was no hope until she caught a glimmer at an AA meeting. I was emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritual bankrupt. No deposits in my bank account. There had only been withdrawals. I knew how to take but I didn't know how to give. Certainly, not to myself and didn't have a clue as to what did I needed to rebuild my life and regain my soul.


To be continued...