Step Four

[honeydumplin]

We start as usual, with nothing. Out comes a spiral notebook, opened so a blank page appears on both sides with either a four or five column approach, leaving plenty of room to expand upon the specific column marked “causes”, which not only causes a counter-productive pursuit for brevity, but a vehicle to expound way beyond the one or two sentence qualifier suggested in the original. And could that alternative instead provide helpful insight into the inventory? Given to the fact of how people really expose themselves during the sharing portion of the represented example, the conclusion would be “yes” from the perspective of both the giver and receiver.

Without further hesitation, principles, beliefs, institutions, and individuals for which I currently hold a personal resentment, begin to appear in the first column. These form what is called a “grudge” list, or a term which I resent already. I disagree with the terminology, and don’t necessarily have a grudge against anyone, unless of course I look at it from the standpoint of allowing them occupancy in my mind while they continue to adversely affect my contentment, happiness, or serenity. It is there that these irritations can gain traction, and if not dealt with, become resentments, grudges, and even full-fledged obsessions that rob me of any peace of mind.

Here are a few of my favorite things. I’ll space them out, and spare the bombardment of them all at once. My resentment started with simply a word. This is the word “impact.” Thanks to the insipid activity of watching entirely too much television process, the harm done to me is a widespread exercise of the local and nationwide degradation of vocabulary. What began with an innocuous term used to describe effect, has all but monopolized everything from participles spewed by a kitchen cook, to the verbiage sanctimoniously displayed on the ass end of Armageddon. Its overused ruse collides ad nauseam. It is frequently used as a noun, a verb with an object, and (more than I can imagine) a verb without an object. I’m ashamed to use it anymore. But my further confessional should not but limited merely to the word “impact”. Such phrases as “walking it back”, “doubling down”, “being mindful”, and the dreaded “at the end of the day” provoke more madness in me than all the other cliché driven mindless commentaries put together can unconsciously regurgitate.

However, looking at madness like this through the prism of a fourth step inventory sheds light on it from a different perspective. In other words, why am I mad? What is it about me that sends anger and sometimes rage over my psyche when I hear these phrases and terms. And the answer comes down to this pseudo intelligent superiority that comes forth whenever my pride is threatened, especially by people that I have put on a pedestal that never existed and often never seem to somehow fit into the standards that I have wished to personally impose upon them. Strange as it may sound, when I finally reach the mindset where in fact I genuinely accept that I am this way, and am very much capable of being the exact definition of what I deem “irritating”, then I’m willing to change. The sooner I acknowledge this weakness, and the weakness in others, the more likely I am to change the behavior. Otherwise, it will light the fuse more frequently. I’ll be inclined to react, rather than listen: a go-to defect, which usually gets me into trouble.
******************
Next on the list is a co-worker I choose to call “Paul”. Over time, and due to lack of interest, the resentment that I’ve had toward him has almost gone away. Proximity between us physically plays a role because the closer we are together, the more apt the resentment is to return, and I’d really like to let go of it completely. You see, Paul’s harm is more fancied than real. He ignores me, and it drives me crazy. I don’t want to come down off my high horse, and come right out and ask him what’s the matter. So we both ignore each other. It is not very convenient, because it takes more effort to ignore, than to co-exist in a work environment. What makes things worse, is that I have no idea what I’ve done to Paul. When I put it down in black and white like this, my stubborn attitude looks kind of childish.

And as the quandary is examined more from how the impasse affects me personally, I’m reminded of my need for social gratification, which internally pulls me in two directions, from extreme apathy to the point of wanting to please everybody. On one hand, I am a bit overly-friendly, while on the other I’m simply cordial and detached. A balance is struck. I am resolved to the fact that I may not be Paul’s friend, but yet I’m not, nor wish to be his enemy. In the overall sentiment of daily life, I can smile at him, with the sincere hope minus the worry, that I’ll do my part to be a decent human being toward him, while at the same time, not worried so much about the why of the whole thing, which leads me to the last thorn in my side.

The how and why of globalization, new world order, crony capitalism, corporate welfare, and the rising popularity of socialism. The contamination, ridicule, and marginalization of everything traditional, and the opposition of anything successful. I’m sick of being played, lied to, and manipulated by politicians, media pundits, religious zealots, and everyone else with a microphone, computer, and an attitude. I hate the United Nations, the IRS, the IMF, the European Market, and the Federal Reserve. Most everything is run by an abundance of stick-fingered, greedy, one-way quintessential know-nothings who want to impose their way of dominance on everyone who is considered an underling. I’m not a victim, but more a pawn sacrifice, continually fighting against a hoard of host whose only desire is my death of thousand cuts.

And it doesn’t stop with the obvious evil entity but the boasts of prior benevolent partnerships, often disguised behind charitable compassion. The Wounded Warriors and their exploitation of needless harm done to people involved in wars which have been proven meaningless. The Susan B. Komen foundation, and their minions making millions off of cancer and coloring the world pink. CARE and their conflicted ties to religious fundamentalism. NASA, NOAH, Planned Parenthood, and the United Way. The corruption appears to have no end. No wonder my generosity escapes me every time someone sets a table outside a grocery store to try and squeeze a little more money out of anybody with some change and a guilty conscience. And it is there that I see myself staring into the abyss of it all.

My little piece of the world that I do not know anymore, and the fear I use to protect it, along with my lack of gratitude. Why am I so passionate about things? Why can’t I trust the ebb and flow? Where’s the love I truly feel deep in my soul when I’m at peace with my fellow man and have faith in the universe, and why can’t I stay tapped into it? I’m obviously not there yet, but that shouldn’t stop me from chasing the elusive plateau of wanting to walking around in the world without getting so caught up in the negativity that desires nothing but to rob me of that serenity. The best path to that acceptance is a constant seeking of gratitude. To minimize my contributions of destruction. To be a blessing, instead of a burden. This seems to me the solace for my desperation. There really is so much to be grateful for, and so very little about which to complain.

[MajestyJo]

Recovery is about change. Changing the old patterns and behaviors that kept me sick for a very long time.

How can I know what to change if I don't take an inventory to see what needs changing. What doesn't stand me in good stead in today. Over the years, I have developed new patterns and behaviors and they too have had to go. Just because something is comfortable doesn't mean it is for my higher good.

Defects and characteristics can block my way from the growth I search for in recovery. All I am asked to do is be the best me I can be today. I can not move on in my recovery without self-honesty. The blanket of denial keeps me in the past. My inventory took me out of my past so I could move forward in today.

Step Four: Made a searching and fearless
moral inventory of ourselves.
“If, however, our natural disposition is
inclined to self-righteousness or grandiosity,
our reaction will be just the opposite… We
shall claim that our serious character defects,
if we think we have any at all, have been caused
chiefly by excessive drinking. This being so,
we think it logically follows that sobriety
- first, last, and all the time - is the only
thing we need to work for. We believe that our
one-time good characters will be revived the
moment we quit alcohol. If we were pretty nice
people all along, except for our drinking, what
need is there for a moral inventory now that we
are sober?”

© 2005, AAWS, Inc.;
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 45

Step Four: Made a searching and fearless
moral inventory of ourselves.
“The sponsors of those who feel they need
no inventory are confronted with quite
another problem. This is because people who
are driven by pride of self unconsciously
blind themselves to their liabilities. These
newcomers scarcely need comforting. The problem
is to help them discover a chink in the walls
their ego has built, through which the light
of reason can shine.”

© 2005, AAWS, Inc.;
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 46

- Just For Today -

Step Four: Made a searching and fearless
moral inventory of ourselves.

"But in A.A. we slowly learned that something had to be
done about our vengeful resentments, self-pity, and
unwarranted pride. We had to see that every time we
played the big shot, we turned people against us. We
had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned
revenge for such defeats, we were really beating ourselves
with the club of anger we had intended to use on others.
We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need
was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we
thought caused it."

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 47

Fom AA's Big Book and 12 & 12

[MajestyJo]

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

The readiness is all.
--William Shakespeare

Newcomer

I went to two different Step meetings this week, in different parts of town, and both of them were on the Fourth Step. I keep hearing that "there are no coincidences." Does this mean I'm supposed to start the Fourth Step now? How do I know if I'm ready?

Sponsor

First of all, I'm glad to hear that you're going to Step meetings, and I encourage you to keep it up. Your willingness has brought you a long way already, and it continues to be the key.

In approaching a new Step, I find it useful to ask myself if I've taken the Steps that precede it in a complete, whole-hearted way.

I review Step One and remember why I'm on this path of recovery in the first place: addiction brought me to spiritual depths I don't want to sink to again.

Reviewing Step Two reminds me that I'm not alone, and that I have faith that I'll be given what I need to become a whole and free person again.

Step Three reminds me that I've made a decision. I'm willing to do what's necessary for recovery and to trust the process. I remember that I only have to do my part; my progress in recovery isn't entirely up to me. My Higher Power will do the rest. When I reach Step Four, I trust that in the process of writing about the events of my addictive life, I'll be taken care of.

Today, I bring willingness and an open mind to the next stop in my recovery. I relax and trust that I am not alone.

You are reading from the book:

If You Want What We Have by Joan Larkin

This happened to me, only in regards to Step 10. I went to four meeting in one week and all of them were Step 10, one being a Big Book Meeting who was reading Step 10. Finally at a NA meeting I was aked to chair the Step Meeting. It was Step 10. The message In finaly received was that I was working the Step at the end of my day instead of working and living it all day long.

At a NA meeting I shared that I had done three Fourth Steps. Two young men were shocked and one said, "My God, you must be about perfect by now!" LOL. One day at a time, I do get better. I was one of the really sick ones. God and I are still working toward it! When I got here I thought I was now that I quit drinking and using. The more I stayed sober the more I realized how much of my life was full of insanity. I have to work on my emotional sobriety (soundness of mind) for the rest of my life.

[MajestyJo]

Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves.

Step Four is our vigorous and painstaking effort to discover
what these liabilities in each of us have been, and are. We
want to find exactly how, when, and where our natural desires
have warped us. We wish to look squarely at the unhappiness
this has caused others and ourselves. By discovering what
our emotional deformities are, we can move toward their
correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this,
there can be little sobriety or contentment for us. Without a
searching and fearless moral inventory, most of us have
found that the faith which really works in daily living is still
out of reach.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 42-43

It was important for me to have the self-honesty and really look at myself. It was also good to balance the liabilities with good characteristics so I didn't beat myself up. It was important to know that I wasn't a bad person trying to be good but a sick person wanting to get well.

AA Recovery Steps 4, 5, 6, and 7.

How can I change if I don't take an inventory of what is in the moment. When I take that inventory, we can take it to our sponsor, clergyman, counsellor, etc. to share my finding and they can give me new insight. Remember it is a fearless inventory, if the fear is there, go back to Step 3. Pray for the willingness to be willing.

Step 6 for me in my thoughts and the thinking behind my dis-ease. The shortcomings, is acting them out and not trying to change. All I am asked to do is try, the failure isn't doing and failing, but in not trying. As we grow in recovery, we have a new perspective, a new awareness, new self-honesty, and a more humble spirit, instead of looking at my life with humiliation.

I am not my disease. It is a one day at a time program. Each day I get a new opportunity to practice and become a better me.