October 1

Quote of the Week

"Surrender is not a onetime thing."

After a weekend of hard drinking, I would commit to sobriety on Monday. By Tuesday, I began to feel better, and by Thursday night I’d allow myself a couple of beers. By the weekend, I’d be hard at it again, and Monday morning I’d swear off drinking all over. This pattern continued until the Thursdays became Tuesdays, and after a while I just gave up and gave in to my disease. Somehow I survived the abuse, and when I committed again it was to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

During my First Step, I surrendered when I admitted to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic and that my life had become unmanageable. After a few weeks, though, when I started feeling better, I began second-guessing whether it had been that bad. Same thing happened with Steps Two and Three. I’d surrender my will and my life, but midway through the day, I’d take it all back. In discussing this with my sponsor, I learned that surrender is not an event, but rather a process.​​​​​

There have been many surrenders in my recovery. Each day, I surrender my disease to my Higher Power, and I turn my will and my life over to His care. Sometimes this lasts ten minutes, sometimes several hours. But whenever I find myself uncomfortable or at odds with people, places, or things, I know it’s time for another surrender. Thankfully, I have the tools and the willingness to do this. Surrender is indeed a process, not a onetime thing. And the better I get at it, the better my life becomes.

October 8

Quote of the Week

"Be all right with being all right."

I was generally irritable, restless, and discontent before recovery. As a kid I was anxious and afraid of things. When I found alcohol, I finally found a way to be comfortable—hopeful even. Drinking gave me that sense of ease and confidence I saw in other people. Suddenly, I could dance better, talk to girls, and be one of the guys. Unfortunately, the solution soon became the problem, and I had to quit drinking.

In recovery, I felt very vulnerable without my solution. Soon all the feelings I used to drown out with alcohol were front and center. At times I thought I would be overwhelmed by them, so I did what was suggested: I took them to meetings, I shared them in fellowship, I inventoried them, and I worked the Steps on them. Sometimes it worked, but for when it didn’t, my sponsor would always bring me back to the present. He’d ask, “Are you all right, right now?” “Do you have enough food, gas, money, right now?”​​​​​​​

It took a lot to corral my galloping mind and rope it back into the now. But each time I’d have to admit that, yes, right now I’m all right. Right now, everything is taken care of. After years of going through this exercise, I have the perspective to know that I really am all right. Problems come and go, but I’ve always survived them and have usually done just fine. What I’ve learned is that the key to my serenity is truly being all right with being all right. And when I can remember that, my serenity returns, and I can actually live happy, joyous, and free.

I really needed that read today. Thanks.

October 15

Quote of the Week

"Take the mess to your sponsor, take the message to the meeting."

A friend in recovery shared something once that I’ve never forgotten. He was newly married and struggling with the transition from living alone for many years as a bachelor. His therapist suggested that rather than trying to process his uncomfortable emotions with his new bride, he should, instead, bring his problems into therapy, and then bring the solutions back to the relationship. I thought that was just brilliant advice.

And it was definitely not how I was used to living my life. Before recovery, if I had a problem (and I had many), everyone heard about them. I would bemoan the state of my life to anyone within earshot, and if you were the cause of my stress, I talked endlessly behind your back. My ultimate solution was to get drunk, but when I came to, none of these problems had gone away. Instead, I often had just made them worse. I needed a better solution.​​​​​​​

When I entered the rooms, I thought I had found one. In each meeting I went to, I began sharing how bad my life was, how it was everyone else’s fault, and how the Twelve Steps probably wouldn’t help me. My new sponsor pulled me aside early on and suggested I share this mess with him, one on one, and then bring any solutions I found back to the meetings. That worked much better. Today, I go to meetings and listen to other people’s solutions to the problems I may be struggling with. I always hear them if I’m willing to listen.

October 22

Quote of the Week

"You’re only as sick as your secrets."

When I first entered the program, I was filled with guilt and shame over some of the things I had done. When I sat in meetings and heard others share openly about some of their past behaviors, I was shocked by how honest they were. Even more baffling was how they and everyone else could actually laugh at their dark secrets. I didn’t know it then, but this was the beginning of hope and recovery for me.

“You’re only as sick as your secrets” was a saying I heard early on in the program. At first there were things I swore I would and could never reveal. After hundreds of meetings, though, the openness, forgiveness, and recovery of others created the safe place I needed to come clean. As I began to uncover, discover, and discard those parts of myself I was ashamed of, I experienced the freedom and forgiveness I needed to fully recover.

​​​​​​​As I completed my Fourth and Ninth Steps and cleared away the wreckage of my past, I was reborn into a new man who is sober and recovered. Now I can laugh at myself, along with others, over some of the things I used to do. Moreover, I realize how the shame I felt about my dark past is the very key I need to help connect with and help heal others. Today, I use the Tenth Step to guard against keeping secrets, and to stay free of shame, so that I can be available to work with others.

October 29

Quote of the Week

"Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?"

Now that was a hard one to answer when I was new. In fact, my answer back then was, “But I was right! He/she/they were wrong! It has nothing to do with being happy!” How wrong I was. By clinging to my self-righteous pride and ego, I fought a lot of people and a lot of things to maintain my right to be right. In the end, I was right about one thing: there was little happiness in my life.

In addition, I paid a steep price for this stubbornness. Living in opposition to people, places, and institutions takes a lot of energy, and it constantly creates resentments. And resentments will kill me. In order to stay alive, I’ve had to learn to forget about who is right or wrong, and instead to focus on my part. Mine is the only part I can control, and if my side of the street is clean, then I become open to the only real solution to any situation: forgiveness, surrender, and acceptance.​​​​​​​

Today, I know that while I may not always have the opportunity to be right, I always have the choice to be happy. By doing a Tenth Step each day, and looking at and correcting my part, I get to forget about who is right, and I get to be happy and free instead. I have found that it is a lot easier to live in harmony with people, places, and things today. And I’d rather be happy than right.

There are no coincidence, me and my wife got an argument this morning, and I totally forgot it doesn't pay try to be right, and that's why I have to save time and time again I rather be happy than right. Thank you for sharing this Tammy.

November 5

Quote of the Week

"When did [. . .] become your Higher Power?"

I used to believe that people, places, or things would fix me. I was sure that if only I could get the perfect relationship or career, or finally have enough money to be set for life, or whatever, then I would be happy or secure or comfortable. But it never worked. Each time I got it, or close enough to it, I would once again feel empty and would set my sights on the next thing I was sure was going to make me all right. I used alcohol in this way for years, but it, too, let me down.

As I started working the Steps, I learned about a Higher Power. I was taught that I have a God-shaped hole in me that I was trying to fill with other, outside things. Through prayer and meditation, I experienced glimpses of the peace and serenity I had been looking for. Then each time I turned my will and my life over to His care, and took the next indicated action, my life got better. But there was a catch. . . .

The catch was that I constantly defaulted back to my will and my old ideas of what I thought would make me happy. Even after years of recovery and experience, I still get sidetracked into thinking that more money or something else will finally complete me. And that’s when I go back to the source—back to my Higher Power. Today, whenever I feel anxious, restless, or unhappy, I ask myself, What has become my H.P.? It’s easy to figure out, and even easier to turn my will and life back over. When I do, I am restored to the peace and security I was looking for.

November 12

Quote of the Week

"Give all your problems to God. He’ll be up all night anyway!"

When I first heard this saying, I instantly thought of all the nights I used to lie in bed worrying, rehashing, or trying to solve all my problems. In fact, before early recovery it was actually easier to sleep because I used alcohol to numb me, and then I could fall asleep or drift into unconsciousness. But when I entered the program, it seemed like it was just me and my problems. I didn’t get a lot of sleep in the beginning of recovery!

It took a long time for me to develop enough faith to turn my will and my life (and problems) over to my Higher Power. The idea of it sounded good, but it proved very difficult to do in practice. Oh, I could turn it over in my morning meditation, but by noon I had usually taken it all back. And by night? Whew! It was just me and my problems again.​​​​​

As I progressed in my recovery, I learned that the definition of faith is believing what you cannot see, and the reward of faith is seeing what you believe. Through faith and a developing practice of turning situations, people, and problems over to God, I’ve been rewarded with a life that is happy, joyous, and free. And now when I go to sleep, I give all my problems to God because my faith tells me He will be up all night anyway!

November 19

Quote of the Week

"Happiness is not having what I want, but wanting what I have."

I spent many years trying to get things to make me happy. If only I could get my college degree, then I’d be happy. As soon as I move to the right city, then I’ll feel fulfilled. When I meet “the one,” then I will be complete and happy. If only I could write that bestseller, then I’d feel accomplished. With each package UPS delivered (from mindless shopping), I’d feel excited for about ten minutes, then I’d feel empty again.

When I entered the program, I was hoping that sobriety would fix not only my drinking but also my steady state of unhappiness. I was sure that if only I could get a thirty-day chip, then a six-month chip, or finally a whole year, then I’d be happy. It was certainly a shock to me to be five and even seven years sober and still find I had days when I was sure the next UPS delivery would fix me. Thankfully, I learned an enduring truth that always works when I work it.​​​​​​​

My sponsor taught me, over and over, that things will never bring me that sense of completeness or happiness I seek. He told me that true fulfillment is in the giving, not the getting. I rediscover the wisdom of this when I work with others. They always give me more than I give them. In addition, my sponsor taught me how to feel grateful for all the wonderful things I already do have: my health, sobriety, a roof over my head, money to buy food, a job, and more. He told me that when I want what I already have, that’s when I will realize I already have everything I need to be as happy as I choose to be.

November 26

Quote of the Week

"After five years of sobriety you get your brains back, after ten you learn how to use them, and after fifteen years you realize you never needed them anyway."

What a cord of recognition this struck when I first heard it at ten years sober. I remember the first five years and how I seemed to be in a haze in the beginning. I spent these years learning how to make sense of and deal with my feelings, my life, relationships, and so on. Everything was so new to me. My focus was on recovery and learning how to live life on life’s terms.

Once I passed this phase, I did feel as if I had my brains back, and I began thinking and planning. What career did I want? How about a future with a family? How could I use my new clarity and focus to twist life to suit my needs and wants? If other people had things, why couldn’t I get them, too? And off I went, trying to arrange life to meet my new expectations.​​​​

At fifteen years, things shifted for me again. Today, when I get centered and connected to my Higher Power, I see clearly and simply, and I know that my only real purpose is to do God’s work and be of service. It doesn’t take a lot of brains to do that. Instead it takes a continuing willingness to listen to my heart and to follow what I know is right. When I’m “into action” and not “into thinking,” things generally turn out for the best for all concerned.

December 3

Quote of the Week

“Alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer.”

I never thought of myself as an alcoholic. My idea of an alcoholic was a bum living in the gutter downtown, or someone wearing a dirty raincoat drinking from a paper bag. I owned a home, had a retirement account, and dined at fancy restaurants. I just drank too much sometimes – it could happen to anyone. After years of what I’ve now discovered to be the slow progression of the disease of alcoholism, my life hit a bottom, and I started attending A.A. meetings.

When I got to the rooms, the people I met didn’t fit the profile of what I thought of as alcoholics. There were no dirty trench coats, and the guys who had five day old beards wore them carefully cut and shaped. I met people in all lines of work – attorneys, dentists, actors, house wives, etc. They were full of life, laughing, sharing, and giving of themselves freely. As I listened to their experiences and feelings, I identified with them, and I felt like I belonged.

I remember being in a meeting and hearing a newcomer share that he didn’t think he was an alcoholic. Someone else shared that non-alcoholics rarely found themselves in an A.A. meeting on a Saturday night denying they were alcoholics. The suggestion was to keep coming back. As I kept coming to meetings and working the Steps, I discovered that I, too, had the disease. I found that it is an equal opportunity destroyer, and that no one was immune. I also found that we all have a common solution that works every time you work it.

I thank God daily I was willing to try it.

December 10

Quote of the Week

"I know I have another drunk in me, but I don’t know if I have another recovery."

A shiver shot down my spine when I first heard this quote. I know how easy it would be for me to pick up a cold Heineken or glass of Cabernet Sauvignon at a nice restaurant. And my disease even tries to convince me I could handle it now. “It’s been years since you’ve had a drink,” it whispers. “You can handle a glass of wine and enjoy it like others do,” it says.

As I think that first drink through, I know I might get away with it, but inevitably I would end up drunk. I know myself well enough to know how obsessive I still am—I can prove that with a large bag of M&M’S. I know I’ve easily got another drunk in me, but I can’t say the same thing about recovery. That’s why this quote resonates so deeply and still gives me the chills.

Getting sober and working the Twelve Steps was a lot of work. Good work, to be sure, but it took countless surrenders, unparalleled willingness, and a humbling of my ego that only the desperation of the drowning can understand. If the embers of alcoholism were lit again, I don’t know if I’d ever be able to contain them. That’s why I pray to God in the morning to keep me sober another day, and I thank Him at night for doing so. I know how easy it would be to get drunk again, but I don’t know if I have the grace and willingness for another recovery.

December 17

Quote of the Week

"The most spiritual thing you can do is to help someone."

One of the most important things I’ve learned in the program is that whenever two alcoholics get together, God is present. I feel the energy of God flow through me as I talk with, listen to, and help another person. Because I can get wrapped up in myself, it sometimes takes contrary action for me to reach out. But I am always rewarded with a sense of peace and serenity when I connect with and help another.

It wasn’t always like this. Selfish and self-centered in the extreme, I crawled into the rooms of recovery emotionally bankrupt and in a state of perdition. I had alienated most of the people in my life and spent much of my time alone with the disease of alcoholism. I dammed God’s energy up inside me, and it almost destroyed me. Even today, I have to guard against my tendency to isolate and self-obsess.

​​​​​​​One of the greatest gifts I’ve been given in the A.A. program is the key that enables me to escape from the pit of self. Working with others is not only part of the solution for their sobriety, it is a crucial part in my own continuing recovery as well. Today, I have discovered the primary purpose of God’s love, and so my purpose as well: to be of service to others. Each time I extend myself, we are both rewarded by the presence and love of God. Service is the way out of the prison of self, and it always sets my and the other person’s spirits free.

December 24

Quote of the Week

"Sometimes you don’t realize that all you need is God, until all you have is God."

Even after years in recovery and with all my sober experience, I’m still amazed by my tendency to put so many things before God. Many times, I’m convinced that if only I were retired or had enough money to travel more, or if my wife would do what I wanted, then my life would finally be better. If only I could get what I wanted, then I would be happy.

My stubborn reliance on this myth can be pretty disappointing. I’ve been reminded in meetings that anything I place before God will be taken from me, and I can show you inventories of the many things I have put before Him, and obsessively chased and then lost, to prove this is true. It’s painful when it happens, but the result is that it always leads me back to God.​​​​​​​

The greatest gift I have today, and the one constant source of strength and hope in my life, is my relationship with my Higher Power. My Higher Power has the answers and solutions to the problems I face, and He has a deeper love and caring for me than I’ll ever comprehend. When I’m connected to God, there are no worries, no wants, and no needs. When things get stripped away, as they will be, and all I’m left with is God, it’s then that I remember: All I ever needed was God.

December 31

Quote of the Week

"If I keep doing what I was doing, I’ll keep getting what I was getting."

I remember when I was new to recovery I was very willing to follow direction. I went to ninety meetings in ninety days, got a home group, got a minimum of four commitments at various meetings, got a sponsor, and began working the Twelve Steps. I did a lot and I got a lot. My life improved, I felt better, and I started to recover. Even the promises began to come true.

Now that I’m deep in recovery, I find that I’m not as active as I used to be. Oh sure, I still go to meetings, and I even have a couple of commitments, but I find I’m not doing all the things I used to do. And I’ve also found that I’m not getting out of the program what I used to get. When I heard this quote, I immediately made the connection.​​​

When I spoke with my sponsor about this, he reminded me that I didn’t need to “go out” to restart my program. There are always newcomers who need sponsors and meetings that need help, and I could always add a meeting or two. The good news is that as soon as I start doing what I did, I start getting what I got. So, if you’re not feeling it these days, just think back to what you used to do when you were new and start doing it again.