For so many years I beat myself up for not being able to do what I thought was my duty or my responsibility. I try not to make promises I can't keep in today, I try to remember to say, "God willing."

I want to finish posting, but just hurting too much to do more at the moment. Need to reboot my computer and me. My muscles are burning and my bones are hurting, so going to take time to care for me. Sounds like a time off for prayer and meditation, and if need be, more sleep.

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Have caught up as much as I can today. Will have to start again at 1 a.m. and start a new day.

I knew it would help, to read the spiritual meditations. I never know what is going to come to mind when I read them if anything. Sometimes I look and my mind is blank, but often come back and it speaks to me, it is the message I need to hear in the moment.

I was sharing with a friend the other day, that in less than a month, I will be 72 years old, yet I still need this program, one day at a time.

On March 21st, I will be 5 months from 23 years sober, and yet, I need the program just as much in today, as I did when I entered the doors of recovery. It isn't about 23 years of sobriety, it is about being clean and sober for 23 years.

The biggest and greatest gift is that I didn't do it alone. It was because of people like you, who shared my journey with me. Without you, there is no me.

I didn't have a home group at 3 months sober to pick up a 3 month pin, not something I recommend. I was later given a pin from someone who hadn't been able to stay sober, he finally got over 3 months, and gave me one of his pins.

A guy in NA gave me his 7 year medallion. The 7th years was a big year of new awareness and spiritual growth.

A man. who lived across the hall from me, with 44 years of sobriety, gave me his fish and chips because he didn't feel like eating them. He died a year later.

When you see a man with over 50 years of sobriety, whose light shines out of his eyes, he lightens up a room and oozes serenity, you want what they have. I had a sponsor in early recovery who had the same thing, she fired me. She said that she didn't see me at the meetings she went to (I moved across town out of the YWCA), and not always able to go to her meetings. One was a speaker meeting, and they were not healthy for me, because you can hide in a speaker group, not enough service for me, and I made the mistake of comparing instead of identifying. Ironically, I go to that same group in today when I can get out, because it is my friend Bert's home group.

I thought of calling him today because I am thinking I am over due for an AA F2F meeting, but was in so much pain, didn't want to make a promise I wasn't sure I would be able to keep. If it is meant to be, it will be. A sure sign I need a meeting is when I found myself cussing, a sure sign that I am slipping back into the old SELF.

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W is for Wait. Wait on the Lord, He will direct your path. "W" can also stand for "Weight." Don't let your trials and tribulations weigh you down, turn them over to your God. Don't wait until they become too much of a burden to carry and you reach out for whatever your drug of choice is in the moment.

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When I look at this, I can identify. Anger and frustration has always been a big motivator for me. Before it was don't tell me watch me and I would try to prove everyone wrong.

Today, thanks to recovery, I go to the Steps and to my HP to do what I need to change me and my attitude. When I align myself with HP things just seem to have a way of working out.

When I get frustrated it is generally me back running the show or trying to make something happen that hasn't come into being yet. Doesn't mean it won't, just not in my time. Anger and frustration is often me not getting my own way.

Use to say, "Don't tell me what to do, watch me." I had to change my attitude, and in today it is "In today, all things are possible through my God."

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The story this tells me is that, we may not all be the same colour, race, and believe in the same creed, yet in the rooms of recovery we are one, gathered together with the same interests, with similar goals, and walk the same path. We feel at home, and it is a we program, not I can do it I, myself, and me.

We can do together, what I can't do for myself. It is sad how many times we try, before reaching out and asking for help.

May you continue to walk in the Fellowship of the Spirit.

Love the 'we' aspect of the program. I tried my way, and my way didn't work. "We" can do what I can't do alone. I put my life into the 'care' of God. He doesn't do it for me, I have to do the work under His love and guidance. when I surrender my 'all' to Him, I am better able to live life on life's terms. For me, it is a 'thought' here and there, go here, do this, do you really want to go there, what does this mean, why am I doing this, and so much more. The direction is there if I surrender, turn things over and listen for the answers.

can't just sit back and wait for Him to do the work for me. I can surrender, sit back and listen for the direction and guidance, knowing that He will give me the strength, courage, guidance, and inner knowing that I need to do what I need each day.

I like to think of it as living under His Umbrella.

The reality is without Him, I am powerless. Through Him, I am empowered to do what I need to do for my self. I no longer live in a world of illusion and I can get honest with myself. So much of that acceptance, is not only accepting what is going on around me, but accepting myself for who I am in today and where I am at.

Often it is at a crossroad, going through a shift and a change, letting go, and sometimes it is denial, grief, self-pity, and anger. It is often the reality of the moment, which can change from moment to moment, hour by hour, and day to day.

"God is as He reveals Himself to me in today." As I grow in awareness and learn to trust myself, learn to listen for the answers, I become more God conscious; and surrendered more and accepted more depending on that given day.

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Something I wrote on another site in 2004.

Looking outside of myself to make myself happy is Step Two. Why should I look to others to make me feel good. If I am not feeling good within, I won't recognized it outside. When I can't find it, and I find it and lose it, or keep thinking more, I am caught up in the insanity of my disease.

Shared by a friend:

Sometimes we don't always have the love and support of our kin and we find what we need in our home group and the members in the fellowship.

Don't forget that kin, knew us from our past and have to get to know us in today. How many promises we made in the past and action we preformed, that was hurtful and abusing. They have to get to see us walk our walk and learn to trust. Trust isn't something you get, it is something that you need to earn.

Keep affirming yourself.

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Keep going to meetings, you will find yourself there.

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Today and the last few days, I have been doing more meditation and have brought my cards out instead of just sitting still and talking to my God.

Since I was introduced to them, they have spoken to me. When ever I doubt or should say, listen to others tell me that I shouldn't use them and that they are tools of the Devil not of God, something happens to affirm my belief.

I have several angel, animal, spiritual teachings (Osho, Celtic, Sylvie Browne, Native American and Jamie Sams) and many more.

Today I asked what I needed for my health and well being. I was using the Celtic cards. I pulled the Spring card and it said, "To replenish my body, drink spring water and not to drink my usual drink. I had just poured myself a glass of Coca-Cola Zero.

When I shuffle the cards, ask a question. Shuffle them again, especially if I didn't like the answer or understand it, and I get the same card again, then I have to think there is a lesson to be learned.

Last night I pulled a Rune which told me to sit in the stillness. This affirmed my need to do meditation and ask for healing.

My friend and I were discussing this tonight at dinner. My place is quite small. It is crowded with two people in it. We can each take our own space. We don't have to fill up the space with words. We don't take offense if someone doesn't sit and talk to us, we can respect each other's space and allow them to be where they need to be in the moment.

Over the years, I have changed, things have come full circle in some areas, and there is always a new beginning. I always try to remember to ask for my own knowingness in today.

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I have a friend coming by today who loves the word unique as much as I do. It made me feel like a somebody, no longer a nobody, someone who has purpose and a reason for being because no one else has walked in my shoes, has been and done what I had to do to get here. We all walk different journey, we are unique in our experiences, but not unique in our disease.

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Having volunteered at senior centers, jails and detox, recovery houses, and missions, I understand. It is difficult not to allow yourself to get attached.

I also helped in a free computer outlet for residence of housing and it gives you a more compassionate outlook on people from diverse walks of life, colour and creed.

So many people are lonely today, the fear of what is 'out there' and the limitations of old tapes and upbringing, keep a lot of people isolated and it is amazing what you receive as a result of extending a hand and a smile. So many people just don't care, or they get caught up in busy and forget how come they have busy in their life today.

It helps to know where someone came from and being open that their life was traumatic to them, be they a self admitted alcoholic/addict or not.

They say that families and friends of alcoholic and addict, hurt just as much, if not more than the A in their life.

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They say the longest road in recovery, is from our head to our heart. We think we know, and then we feel the knowing and that it is God given and a gift to be cherished.

I spent so many years hardening my heart, that it took a lot of healing to soften it up, so I could love myself and others.

Sometimes, I can find myself back in my head, but I know, that when I have an attitude of gratitude, my thinking goes back to my heart, and I am God-centered instead of self-centered.

A God Thing
 

Want to share something with you, I call it a God thing.

I was in pain after posting earlier and went back to bed with my heating pad, and didn't wake up until 2:45 p.m.

The sun was shining, so I got dressed and answered the call of sunshine. As I was waiting for the elevator, I realized, this is a new morning and said the Serenity Prayer along with the Third and Seventh Step Prayers. As I walked downtown, I had the thought, "Perhaps I should go in to see Tony to see if I can get an appointment, as my hip keeps giving out and my left foot is turned outward." As I walk along the street, I see this person coming toward me and it is Tony. I now have an appointment for next Monday afternoon at the Holistic Center.

I was thinking of going to cancel my chiropractor's appointment tomorrow, but decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. Bill and Tony had helped my leg, but it has been out since my last two chiropractor visits. He says it is because I didn't go to him. I didn't go to him because I lost some faith and trust when he crack my rib and find it difficult to relax when he goes to make an adjustment. I have been doing a meditation before I go there and again when I am in the treatment room before he comes in.

Things don't always happen because I want them to or because I pray for them, but things do happen, just not always in my time, or until such a time as I remember to ask and not take my God for granted.

As I walked away from Tony, I said "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

I had a little chuckle because an older lady was standing with a cane by Tony's office building. She looked like the wind would blow her over. I asked her if I could do anything to help her. I would have let her sit on my walker to rest, or I would have pushed her to where she wanted to go. She said, "No thanks dear, my son has gone for the car. Thank you for asking." I realized after I left her, that she looked like she could have been Tony's mom.

The wondrous ways that God works in our life.

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Have been having problems with staying confident and having faith that everything will be alright. I know that it is because I want things to turn out my way, so with that realization, I keep trying to turn things over daily.

My apprehension is more for my son and my sisters, than for myself, so when that happens, I need to turn them over too.

It is very much a one day at a time. One days thoughts, one days actions, one days feelings, one days experience, etc.

Never have lost faith in my God. I have lost faith in myself.

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