The Blonde and the Lord...and more!

[MajestyJo]

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy camping stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut the hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said,

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

[MajestyJo]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.

You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ...and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee.'

[MajestyJo]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

Q: What did the blonde say when she heard that her friend had died?

A: "What color?"




Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school?

A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board.

[MajestyJo]

Finally, a blonde joke with some Canadian content.... As a Muskoka trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a Blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his Truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you Are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl Catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and Knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are Losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and Continues down the street. At the third red light, the same Thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, Knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my Name is Heather, and you are Losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to The next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets Out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on Her window, and as she lowers it, he says,..............

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving a SALT TRUCK.........."

[MajestyJo]

This might not be new, posted on my site Caressa's Spiritual Place

She's so blonde that:
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes happened around the home, she moved.
Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.
What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What's the definition of eternity? Four blondes at a 4-way stop.
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? ...An air pocket.
What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This Goes In Front."

[MajestyJo]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

[MajestyJo]

The Blonde & The Final Exam

The blonde reported for her final examination which consisted of Yes/No answers.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, takes a quarter out of her purse. The blonde then starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.

Within 30 minutes she's all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, the blonde again frantically starts flipping the coin again.

The moderator, concerned about what she's doing, stops by and asks if she's ok.

"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago -- but, " explained the frantic coin-tossing blonde, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"

[MajestyJo]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Ah, yes, very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No dear, it's because you're 24."

[MajestyJo]

A friend told the blonde, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked, "What if one grenade explodes before we get there?"
The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said, "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replied, "Well, the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
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A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.
Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.
"Here boy!" she replies.
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A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond guy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
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(This one actually makes sense...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

[MajestyJo]

Dumb Blonde Joke

A Blonde and a Lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question:

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library Of Congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.