Mother!!!

[MajestyJo]

The "Language of Letting Go" reading, I realized that I wasn't so much detaching, as just blocking out. Not sure if I was pretending is wasn't there, just not wanting to see it and acknowledge the person as well as the feeling around that person.

My son had a phone that I could call him on but he couldn't call out. I didn't call very often, mostly because every time I did, he asked for money. If I just called to say hello and say I love you, then I felt like I should be giving him the money.

Yesterday I called and got a voice message that the number was not valid.

Today, I went to Facebook and there was a chat message that just said, "Mother" and nothing else.

There is a part of me that is glad that I can't see him in this stage of his addiction. He says he is not smoking crack so that is good. I hope he will find a way to recover that works for him. I gave him links to Smart Recovery and Justified Recovery. Had a bit of trouble with the latter as justification was and can still be, one of my biggest defects of character.

One day at a time, it does get better. One day at a time, we get through this. One day at a time, I turn my life and my will over to my Higher Power.

Posted on another site in 2011

It is always about the act not the person, but sometimes other people don't always see that. Had an incident with my sister today. She didn't even give me an option to agree to disagree.

When you are caught up in it, you can't always see it. She is the belief that if you don't stop your addictive behavior and did it with your kids in your home, you did not love your children. That is just not so. One you can't identify your love by your kids. If you can't find it within yourself, you can't do it for others. You can detach from the act, but you can't always detach from the person.

[MajestyJo]

Proof that this is a one day at a time program.

Just got off the phone with my son earlier. He was very angry and told me not to talk to him because he was in a very bad mood. He had his cheque spent and it didn't arrive. He is so into Self, and I try to suggest that perhaps the job he wants so bad, just might not be good for him and he isn't meant to get it but to wait on one that would be better suited. All he can think of is the $16. an hour he will get to start. No thought that some of the work will be out of time and how often he missed work when it was in town.

He helps me out and yet he does it for the most part because he is bored and nothing to do because he is out of work. He also says, "Well I did this and that and it should be good for coffee money or a six pack of beer and maybe a carton of cigarettes.

Because he didn't get his cheque, so instead of putting a deposit which I gave him on shoes for work, he is spending it on drugs and alcohol. It seems like I will never learn. His cheque should be there tomorrow, so I will see how much of the money I will get back, if any. I know it is his disease. That didn't stop me from hurting and asking myself, "Why were you such a sucker and fell for another one of his stories?"