Today's Thought - February

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February 1

Say when it's time to stop coping.

In her book Recovering from the Loss of a Child, author Katherine Fair Donnelly writes of a man whose infant daughter, Robyn, dies from SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). The child had died in the stroller, while the mother was out walking her. The father had stopped to get a haircut that day and was given a number for his turn.

"It was something he never did again in future years," Donnelly wrote. "He would never take a number at the barber's and always came home first to make sure everything was all right. Then he would go and get a haircut. It became one of the ways he found of coping."

I hate coping. It's not living. It's not being free. It reeks of surviving.

But sometimes it's the best we can do, for a while.

Eight years after my son died, I was signing the papers to purchase a home. It was the first home I had bought since his death. The night before he died, I had also signed papers to buy a new home. I didn't know that I had begun to associate buying a home with his death, until I noticed my hand trembling and my heart pounding as I finished signing the purchase agreement. For eight years, I had simply avoiding buying a home, renting one less-than-desirable place after another and complaining about the travails of being a renter. I only knew then that I was "never going to buy another house again." I didn't understand that I was coping.

Many of us find ways of coping. As children, we may have become very angry with our parents. Having no recourse, we may have said to ourselves, "I'll show them, I'm never going to do well at music, or sports, or studies again." As adults, we may deal with a loss, or death, by saying, "I'm always going to be nice to people and make them happy. Then they won't go away." Or we may deal with a betrayal by saying, "I'm never going to open my heart to a woman, or man, again."

Coping often includes making an incorrect connection between an event and our behavior. It may help us survive, but at some point our coping behaviors usually get in our way. They become habits and take on a life of their own. And although we think we're protecting ourselves or someone we love, we aren't.

Robyn didn't die because her father took a number and waited to get his hair cut.

My son didn't die because I bought a new house.

Are you keeping yourself from dong something that you really want to do as a means of coping with something that happened to you a long time ago? Cope if you must, if it helps save your life. But maybe today is the day you could set yourself free.

God, show me if I'm limiting myself and my life in some way by using an outdated coping behavior. Help me know that I'm safe and strong enough now to let that survival behavior go.

You are reading from the book:

More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

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February 2

There is always a "but" in this imperfect world.
--Helen Keller

Often there is not a day that goes by without some tragic or upsetting news story. An act of terrorism, a natural disaster, or a school shooting can dominate the air waves and make it seem as if all there is in the world are tragedy, loss, and immeasurable sorrow. At those times when the world seems to be crashing down around you, you may be tempted to look at your addiction from a different perspective.

You may consider, for instance, how minor your addiction is compared to everything else that is going on. So you might tell yourself, "Okay, I think I have a problem with alcohol, But maybe my problem isn't so bad after all." Or you may think, "But all I did was just knock over a trash can when I was drunk. It's not as if I killed someone."

Maintaining sobriety can be an extremely difficult task. But you make it more difficult whenever you spend more time trying to find excuses than doing what it is you need to do in your recovery. While it is true that sometimes there is too much tragedy and negative news, such things should not be taken as reasons for you to take a break from your recovery.

Today I will not excuse myself from my recovery.

You are reading from the book:

Morning Light by Amy E. Dean

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February 3

We must constantly build dykes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.
--Martin Luther King, Jr.

The definition of courage is the ability to conquer fear or despair. In the past we may have been called courageous because we stayed in circumstances that were difficult or nearly unbearable. We may have felt that walking away from family, children, or friends was cowardly or displayed weakness. We may have felt that by holding back our tears we were stronger people.

Yet all the things we may have viewed as weakness are really signs of courage. All the things we believed to be acts of courage were really not courageous at all. If we walked away from difficult or unbearable circumstances, we would be conquering despair. If we cried, we would have been courageous by letting go of our fear, pain, or sadness.

Courage doesn't mean putting ourselves in stressful or unpleasant situations. Courage doesn't mean controlling our emotions. Courage is the ability to strengthen ourselves against the fear and despair of life, rather than be drowned by it.

What have I done today that took courage? I can be grateful for my courage and strengthen it.

You are reading from the book:

Night Light by Amy E. Dean

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February 4

Easy Does It

Dear God,

Help me remember to take things slowly for spiritual progress requires time for growth. Maturity is not an overnight miracle. Help me to be productive and keep me from procrastinating or being impatient and rushing ahead too quickly. I will remind myself today not to push myself faster than I need to go.

I won't push the river, I'll let it flow.

You are reading from the book:

The 12 Step Prayer Book Volume 2 by Bill P. and Lisa D.

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February 5

Sometimes, the way is not clear.

Our minds get clouded, confused. We aren't certain what our next step should be, what it will look like, what direction we are headed.

This is the time to stop, ask for guidance, and rest. That is the time to let go of fear. Wait. Feel the confusion and chaos, and then let it go. The path will show itself. The next step shall be revealed. We don't have to know now. We will know in time. Trust that. Let go and trust.

Today, I will wait if the way is not clear. I will trust that out of the chaos will come clarity.

You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

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February 6

Every human being is a problem in search of a solution.
--Ashley Montagu

Each of us is a strong and fragile creature. We're always subject to forces outside our control, and we're learning steps for living that help us cope and rise above these problems. Our particular situation might seem special to us but in another sense, everyone's situation is a unique problem. Spiritual growth is the result of coming face to face with our own situation, feeling the brunt of our own puzzlement, recognizing no recipe will apply completely, and then trusting our Higher Power as we make unsure responses.

No school or parent can ever teach us enough to smooth our search for solutions. We become complete human beings by living through the muddle, by truly trusting our connections with God and other people to carry us along until we find clarity again. We progress into adulthood when we meet our own particular life crises. We learn to see we have this process in common with every human being. Rather than resist our problems, we band together with others and pool our strength to find solutions.

My problems today are opportunities for spiritual growth.

You are reading from the book:

Touchstones by Anonymous

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February 7

Enjoying the Good Days

Good feelings can become a habitual part of our life. There is absolutely no virtue in the unnecessary suffering many of us have felt for much of our life. We don't have to allow others to make us miserable, and we don't have to make ourselves miserable.

A good day does not have to be the "calm before the storm." That's an old way of thinking we learned in dysfunctional systems. In recovery, a good day or a good feeling doesn't mean we're in denial. We don't have to wreck our good times by obsessively searching for or creating a problem.

Enjoying our good days doesn't mean we're being disloyal to loved ones who are having problems. We don't have to make ourselves feel guilty because other people aren't having a good day. We don't have to make ourselves miserable to be like them. They can have their day and their feelings; we can have ours.

A good feeling is to be enjoyed. More than we can imagine, good days are ours for the asking.

Today, I will let myself enjoy what is good. I don't have to wreck my good day or good feeling; I don't have to let others spoil it either.

You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

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Febuary 8

Constant togetherness is fine –
But only for Siamese twins.
--Victoria Billings

Newcomer

I heard someone in recovery say, "I don’t have relationships, I take hostages." Everyone laughed, but it left me feeling insecure about how to evaluate my own relationships. How close is too close?

Sponsor

Though we may not feel comfortable with many other people when we first get here, perhaps there's one particular person we feel we can trust – a mate, an old friend who has remained loyal, a peer in recovery, a sponsor. We may have the desire to check everything with this other person, and we find ourselves spending hours on the phone or in his or her company.

Strong, healthy relationships are vital. They're a blessing, not a problem. Problems arise if we feel so dependent on another person's approval that we lose touch with our feelings and preferences - if we isolate as a pair, always protected from the joys and challenges of new friendships or if our constant togetherness creates a pressure-cooker buildup of intensity. Recovery requires thoughtful self-examination and self-challenge. Though others can offer to witness, support, and love us, our recovery work is ours alone. It takes courage to allow ourselves and others autonomy with in a relationship.

Today, as I include people in my life, I leave myself and others room to be and to grow.

You are reading from the book:

If You Want What We Have by Joan Larkin

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February 9

Though we be sick and tired and faint and worn--Lo, all things can be borne.
--Elizabeth Chase Akers

What bothered us most a year ago? A month ago? Even a week ago? It's probably that whatever it was, we were obsessed with it, certain that our futures were ruined, that there was no reasonable solution. It's also probable that we feared we simply couldn't survive the complexity of the situation. But we did. And we always will be able to survive any and all difficulties. We are never, absolutely never, given more than we can handle. In fact, we are given exactly what we need, at any given time.

We have many lessons to learn. Fortunately, we have the structure of the Twelve Steps to guide us through the lessons. We need mainly to remember what we are powerless over, that there is a power greater than ourselves, and that life will become simple; we'll need no extra homework when we've turned it over to the care of God.

Whatever my problem today, I will let God have it. A solution is in the making. I'll see it just as quickly as I can let go of the problem.

You are reading from the book:

Each Day a New Beginning by Karen Casey

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February 10

Reflection for the Day

If I live just one day at a time, I won't so quickly entertain fears of what might happen tomorrow. As long as I'm concentrating on today's activities, there won't be room in my mind for worrying. I'll try to fill every minute of this day with something good - seen, heard, accomplished. Then, when the day is ended, I'll be able to look back on it with satisfaction, serenity and gratitude. Do I sometimes cherish bad feelings so that I can feel sorry for myself?

Today I Pray

That I will get out of the self-pity act and live for today. May I notice the good things from dawn to nightfall, learn to talk about them and thank God for them. May I catch myself if I seem to be relishing my moans and complaints more often than appreciating the goodness of my life.

Today I Will Remember

Today is good.

You are reading from the book:

A Day at a Time (Softcover) by Anonymous

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February 11

Education should be the process of helping everyone to discover his uniqueness.
--Leo Buscaglia

We are each special, which means there is not another person just like ourselves. Nobody looks just like us. Nobody's voice sounds quite like our own. And nobody thinks through a story just like we do.

Each of us has been created for a special purpose. Maybe it's for what we'll teach a friend, or the way we'll help a sister or a brother. Every day will give us chances to offer our special talents to others. Our being alive is God's way of proving that we're important to the family, the neighborhood, the world.

You are reading from the book:

Today's Gift by Anonymous

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February 12

My life, I will not let you go except you bless me, but then I will let you go.
--Isak Dinesen

There is something noble in the spirits of those who battle death, who cling to life. We are all moved by their struggle, yet perhaps it is nobler still to let life go when the time comes.

This makes sense only if we think we can look back on a life lived to the fullest. We wouldn't want to die without knowing we had stretched our limits, inhabited them as largely as we could. Not in a worldly sense, perhaps; spiritual breadth can be as exciting as travel, sport, romance, or achievement. It's the limits of our brain and heart we want to test; for that, we could live in one room.

Not everyone is blessed with robust physical health, but we all have the capacity for spiritual health and adventure. Self-examination and meditation are the tools for self-knowledge and serenity. Unknown adventure awaits us when we seek to know ourselves.

My spiritual journey is the real one in my life. On that road, the true blessings are encountered.

You are reading from the book:

The Promise of a New Day by Karen Casey and Martha Vanceburg

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February 13

Leaving Room for Feelings

We need to allow enough room for others and ourselves to have and work through our feelings.

We are people, not robots. An important part of us - who we are, how we grow, how we live - is connected to our emotional center. We have feelings, sometimes - difficult ones, sometimes-disruptive ones, and sometimes-explosive ones that need to be worked through.

By facing and working through these feelings we and others grow. In relationships, whether it be a love relationship, a friendship, a family relationship, or a close business relationship, people need room to have and work through their feelings.

Some call it "going through the process."

We need time to work through feelings. We need the space and permission to work through these feelings in the awkward, uncomfortable, sometimes messy way that people work through feelings.

This is life. This is growth. This is okay.

I can set reasonable boundaries for behavior and still leave room for a range of emotions.

You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

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February 14

Love is the magician, the enchanter that changes worthless things to joy, and makes right royal kings and queens of common clay.
--Robert G. Ingersoll

Love invites us to perform our very best. Knowing we're loved removes the edge of terror when we're contemplating the unfamiliar -- the party with strangers or meeting a new boss.

We are transformed by love. It comforts the questioning mind and the quavering heart. We can endure the long moments of suspense while awaiting a hoped-for outcome when we know we're loved. And those times we doubt another's love, times that are sure to come, will quickly slip by if we're reaching out with a loving heart to someone else.

Every event promises greater joy when experienced with a spirit laced with love. The robin's song, the laughter of children, the vibrant colors that ooze from the petals of flowers capture our attention when we're feeling loved.

Love heals us and bonds us and promises us a life filled with moments of magic.

You are reading from the book:

Worthy of Love by Karen Casey

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February 15

To avoid pain at all costs forces us to reject half the lessons life can teach.
--Jan Pishok

If we could remember that every experience we'll ever have is unique and offers us a lesson we will grow from, we'd accept them all with far greater ease. What's there to be afraid of anyway? God is never absent. In fact, God is present during every experience. Remembering this makes us courageous as we walk through the turmoil that interrupts the peaceful times.

Before coming to this program, we feared most of the situations that called to us, and understandably so. We were often trying to do the improbable without the wisdom or the guidance that might have guaranteed success. By taking the Third Step every morning of our lives, as has been suggested, we can positively influence the outcome of every experience we'll have. Hallelujah!

I will not avoid any experience today. I'll simply remember that God is present and that I need to know what calls to me.

You are reading from the book:

A Woman's Spirit by Karen Casey