Defects of Character

[MajestyJo]

STAY POSITIVE, DON'T ACT OUT IN OLD PATTERNS AND BEHAVIOURS!



Steps Six and Seven are about changing and truly looking at myself and getting honest.

Why should I not continue the Steps? Why should I skip over a certain step because we don't like looking in the mirror. Most people see us before we can see ourselves. People knew about me before I knew myself, they could see the changes and I didn't have a clue. Be it a change for the better or worse, I am empowered to change things when I surrender to the program, and work it a day at a time.

Not taking time to talk to my God on a daily bases is an old behaviour. Telling God what I think He should do in my life and that of others, is bad no matter what way I look at it.

For me defects of character are a part of my DNA and thinking, clean or sober. Short comings are acting out those thoughts and reacting to events around me. No more hissy fits, no more pity pots, no more cussing and cursing, myself or others, no more putting on the blanket of denial and hiding from reality.

HUGS FROM ME TO YOU!

[MajestyJo]

Recognizing Defects of Character

When I did the chip this morning, I had very little acceptance of what was going on with me. I know my doctor is trying to help me. He took me off of one medication and put me on another. This one isn't covered by my drug plan and I had to pay for it.

There is a part of me that says, "This has to work because I paid for it." It worked. I slept, but sleeping the day away is not good. Staying awake last night after taking it wasn't good either. Part of that was my fault, because I wasn't yawning, or feeling tired, I didn't go to bed. Perhaps what I need is a change in attitude and instead of waiting for it to tell me to go to bed I should surrender and go to bed and then perhaps I would go to sleep easier.

When I become aware of a defect of character, I immediately take it to my Higher Power. There is no way I want to continue to act out in my disease. I often pray for the willingness for the willingness to know what I need to do for my health and well being. I ask for my own knowingness and my own truth so that I can be honest about what is going on in my life.

My sponsor told me that if I was ever in doubt about my character defects, look at who I was pointing a finger at because it was a reflection of myself. A sure fired way of keeping me honest even if I don't like it.

Today, I am reminded of what a long-timer (25 years sober when I had a year) said, "He had 13 barrels containing each defect of character but only had 12 lids. One defect kept popping up and when he got a lid on it, a new one popped up.

Posted in 2010

Chips referred here are character defects with a positive/negative defect on a poker chip, you put them in a bag, and you pull one out, and that is what you work on in today.

The list to follow!

[MajestyJo]

Taken from Al-Anon's Blueprint to Progress - Fourth Step Inventory

Aware of others/Self-centered

Helpful to others/Self-indulgent

Generous/Selfish

Thoughtful/Self-pitying

Open-minded, gracious/Smug, stubborn

Perceptive/Judgmental

Respectful/Disrespectful

Patient/Impatient

Tolerant/Intolerant

Realistic/Unrealistic

Reasonable/Unreasonable

Assertive/Submissive

Cooperative/Domineering

Outgoing/Withdrawn

Forgiving/Resentful

Trusting/Suspicious

Trustworthy/Prone to gossip

Content/Envious

Agreeable/Disagreeable

Cheerful/Discourteous

Kind/Unkind

Loving,caring/Indifferent

Discreet/Lacking discretion

Stable/Panicky, violent

Consistent/Inconsistent

Sincere/Insincere

Honest/Dishonest

Willing to admit faults/Self-righteous

Humble/Arrogant

Calm/Worrisome

Relaxed/Tense

Confident, having faith/Fearful, apprehensive

Hopeful/Despondent

Optimistic/Pessimistic

Living for today/Living in the past, worrying about the future

Industrious/Lazy

Prompt/Procrastinating

Purposeful/Aimless

Responsible/Irresponsible

Using talents and abilities/Disinterested in self

Thankful/Ungrateful

Willing to continue to seek emotional and spiritual balance/Smug, complacent
__________________

[MajestyJo]

Quote:
. . . when we have taken a square look at some of these defects, have discussed them with another, and have become willing to have them removed, our thinking about humility commences to have a wider meaning. 12 & 12, p.74

When situations arise which destroy my serenity, pain often
motivates me to ask God for clarity in seeing my part in the
situation. Admitting my powerlessness, I humbly pray for
acceptance. I try to see how my character defects contribute
to the situation.
Could I have been more patient?
Was I intolerant?
Did I insist on having my own way?
Was I afraid?
As my defects are revealed, I put self-reliance aside and
humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings. The situation
may not change, but as I practice exercising humility, I enjoy
the peace and serenity which are the natural benefits of
placing my reliance in a power greater than myself.

What has always helped me is the slogan, "Let it begin with me." It doesn't matter what the other person said or did, it is about me and how I react and how I respond to others and take responsibility for my own side of the street.

Defects of character are part of my humanness to my way of thinking, and something I have to work on daily, not ignore them and hope they will go away. I need to turn them over daily to my Higher Power.

[MajestyJo]

Today's Defect of Character to work on:

Trust is a something that I had to earn. For the most part, I am quite trusting of others until they prove themselves as untrustworthy. When that happens, I have trouble with the forgiveness and the letting go of the disappointment and disillusionment of having been betrayed.

Trust in my Higher Power has grown over the years. Sometimes I think He has more trust in me than I have in myself.

Psalm 31:14
But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God."

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

[MajestyJo]

Honesty with others/Alibis and excuses

How can I be honest with you if I can't be honest with myself. Rationalization and justification were big defects of mine and found myself yesterday, not excusing my behavior but acknowledging that I did wrong. I had set something up and then when I got there, forgot what I was suppose to do and lost the contract. It was there to be made. I got caught up with one thought and didn't take time to look at the whole picture.

How many times have I said, "Well I did this because I thought..." when in reality, I didn't think or didn't hesitate and meditate by following thought with more thought instead of action.

If there was one thing I hated, it was my humanness. I would people say, "What do you expect, I am only human?" I would think, "I expect you to try and not blame your human nature, for your bad behaviour." The program is one of change.

That doesn't mean we don't make mistakes. What it does mean is we try our best, whatever our best is in today.

For many years, I was too honest and it was important to speak my truth and that was that without much thought of others. Often it isn't what you say, so much as how you say it. The attitude and tone can make a big difference.

I justified things to myself more than I did others and yet having gone through two abusive marriage, I felt like I had to justify my existance and my reason for being. I was told I didn't matter and who cared what I thought and what I wanted didn't matter. It became a habit. If you said, "No!" You had better have a darn good reason, especially if it was opposing the thoughts of my partner.

I was resentful and angry at them and at myself for doing it. I rationalized and felt like I had to explain my actions and why I did something. It was not a very nice way to live. Recovery has given me so many gifts. The greatest being the freedom to be me.

For me, it was a lot of justification and rationalization that kept me from being honest with myself. All my life I felt like I had to have a reason for doing, saying, and being me. Very low self-esteem, self-worth, and a low sense of self kept me sick and like my disease, it got lower instead of going away, until I found recovery.

Like all things, I had to turn it over to my Higher Power and ask for help.

Psalm 30:2
O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.

[MajestyJo]

Thoughtful/Thoughtless

For so many years, in my disease, I was selfish and self-centered yet all through this, I gave no thought of my health and my well being. I never gave me a great deal of thought and care. Yes it was what was in it for me, but it was about my addiction, and nothing to do with my health and well being.

I never thought, is this good for me. Is this for my Higher Good. Is this for the good of the whole. I was completely thoughtless of those around me and thinking I was hurting no one but myself, not realizing that people cared even if I didn't. Not caring about myself and being indifferent about what happens to me is part of my disease, not part of my recovery.

I realized this yesterday, when I thought of not putting on something different to wear downstairs to the store. I found myself saying, "I don't care" I followed it up with, "That is the problem, you are suppose to care about yourself."

Not with the old attitude, "If I don't look out for #1 who will." I had to change it to "You are worthy and deserve recovery and be kind and love yourself" I had to change my thought patterns.

Growing up, I was told I was responsible. As a result, I took on things that were not mine. It wasn't that I didn't care, but I did get resentful of having the burden put onto me, not knowing it wasn't job. I know that it isn't right to have my happiness at the expense of others. I know that I have a right to happiness, no matter what someone else does, thinks or says. I use to think I was less than, because I was told all my life it was my job. Look what you made me do. If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have.... It is all your fault.

I lived my life through others, I was a people pleaser, I found my value and acceptance through others, I had to let go of expectations, I had to remember progress not perfection. It is a one day at a time program.

[MajestyJo]

Perceptive/Judgmental

Years ago when I went to the meeting of my Women's group, after I had left it and joined another, was a real joy. I also found myself with a bit of an inflated ego and a pat on the back for looking good and I found myself comparing favourably with other women of the group. We all have aged, widened, greyed, and wrinkled and it was good to see so many long time recovery women and it was sad to see so many missing that were a part of the group over the years.

There was a woman there that told me once that she would never darken the doors of the women's group if it was the last group in the city. How our perception can change.

I have a much more open mind and found that I wasn't as judgmental as I have been in the past. I use to think, they have all those years of sobriety, why are they still doing that, why haven't they grown or changed. Since then I have found that in my own case that I have slid back a step or two, become complacent, and other times made great strides. It is nice to be able to look at the whole picture and be grateful.

Posted in 2009

In today, it is good to recognize where people are coming from, most times I have been there and done it, or they carry me a message to be ever watchful or I could find myself in the same position.

I found myself through the women in the group, they were a great reflection of my inner self that I had kept hidden for years. I hated it when the lady came out, seeing as I spend years trying to prove I wasn't one. A big resentment, one that had to go, toward myself and other women. I joined the Women's Group to learn how to get along with women, because I had been living in a man's world, either with work or I drank with them.

[MajestyJo]

Reasonable/Unreasonable

For the most part, I feel that I am a pretty reasonable person. When I tend to be unreasonable, is when I am given the whole picture and I am dealing with people with tunnel vision or those who are choosing to turn a blind eye.

This morning when I woke up I was approach by a girl on messenger. Her first statement was "I wish you did...." Instead of just saying what was wrong and asking if I could help, I found myself with a little resentment. I said a prayer, asked her what her problem was and was able to help her find a solution.

It is difficult to help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. I know I am fighting depression at the moment. What I know is that I am not fighting it alone and that I don't need a pill to make it all better.

Sometimes I need to be reasonable with myself. I can talk myself out of anything, especially if I don't share it with others. When I become aware of my problem, acknowledge it, and accept it for what it is, I can take the Steps I need to change the attitude, or in my case, change the attitude in order to take the action.

God is Good.

Posted in 2004

It is unreasonable to expect perfection. The say progress not perfection, which was a good thing, because I thought I had to do it right. This was according to my mother who said, "Do it right or don't do it at all." Often I didn't or I wasted a lot of time trying to do things her way.

What seemed reasonable in the past, doesn't always appear so in today thank to recovery and looking at things from a new perspective.

[MajestyJo]

Acceptance/Defiance

Acceptance is the key to my recovery today. When I am not accepting, I am hurting - physically, mentally and emotionally.

As long as I defy looking at or owning something I am putting up a barrier to healing and change, and blocking me from the Spirit of my God.

When I accept each day at it comes, it generally unfolds in a timely manner. I don't always end up where I expect to be, and I don't often end up where I want to be, and I may not even like where I am at, but it is where I am suppose to be.

Accepting my disease came hard, because I kept pointing my finger at my dad, my ex-husband, and friends. They had the problem, I was a functional drunk although I didn't like to accept that word. I didn't get drunk! I walked a straight line. I drove my car on the right side of the road and the police didn't pull me over, although many times, if they had, they would have locked me up and thrown away the key.

For most of my life, it was don't tell me, watch me! One line, I still find myself saying is, "Since when did I do what was good for me since you knew me." It was like the defiance was instilled in me, because I found myself not accepting rules, regulations, and authority.

Things are better in today, but there are days that God and I still need to work on this issue.

[MajestyJo]

PROCRASTINATE - DO IT!

Merriam Webster says that to procrastinate is "to put off
intentionally and habitually."

This has always been a biggie for me. I tell myself, "I just don't feel like doing it, and most times, I don't. I can talk myself out of anything and everything especially if it is housework.

I ended up cancelling my mammogram today and postponing it until Monday. The last time I had to wait at the doctor and this was the second time I had been to see this new doctor, so wasn't sure what is happening. I realized after I cancelled that I had taken time into my hands instead of trusting it to Gods. I must be doing something right because all the levels that were tested were good except one. Some hadn't come back yet, not sure which ones. Ended up my kidney's are not functioning 100%. I have an enlarged one, so not sure if that is the cause.

I ended up I probably could have made it on the bus but it would have been really iffy. If the buses didn't connect, I would have been late.

I know that when I hear that voice if I ignore it, I generally regret it after ward.

They say, "Why put off until tomorrow, what you can do today." My motto was, "It is not going any where, so it will keep until tomorrow." It seemed as though, if I made the decision to run away from home in today, it was there when I came home. So I might as well enjoy myself in today, and let the rest take care of itself. They will get done when the time is right. In reality, it is when I get off my a$$, they will get done.

[MajestyJo]

It is a good day when we are on the same page as our God. I found that some days I tend to speed read or skip a page.



Grateful that my God has a sense of humour. I think He prays for me more than I pray to Him some days.

[MajestyJo]

Accepting Faults/Blaming Others

In early recovery, I didn't think I had any faults after I quit using. After all, I was raised to be a good Christian girl.

It took me awhile to recognize that to err is human. I didn't want to admit to being human let alone the error. When I heard people say, "Well I am only human you know," I would get a resentment. I felt as though they used the saying as a cop out. They use their humanness to not change.

In today, I tell it as it is. What you see is what you get. As a friend said to me on Messenger the other night, "g/f you are just 2 2 funny. I never know what is going to come out of your mouth next."

Before recovery, it was all about the blame game. It was every one elses fault and the world owed me a favor as I was so hard done by.

Today I embrace change. I don't want to be that person any more. She was not very likeable. She still has a lot of work to do on herself. God and I work on it one day at a time.

Before recovery, I thought I was the best. I thought I was being the best me I could be. I also learned that you can't know what you were never taught. I was very isolated on the farm growing up and didn't have a lot of people skills. I didn't have a best friend until I was 17. When I met her, I was the follower. As my disease progressed, I became the leading authority.

So glad that it is progress not perfection.

I didn't find recovery until I was 49. I thought it was always about others and thought I was the way I was because of the people in my life. I firmly believe we are products of our environment and I had to come to believe, it was me that put me there. I was there often because I chose to, and most times I wasn't invited. Most of my life I wanted to be in the "In" group, yet when I got there, I never measured up, in my own eyes and yet I couldn't take the blame, it was their fault real or imagined.

Even though I was in denial about being an alcoholic, I felt like I had come home. I could identify, but stayed sick because I compared. It wasn't until I could honestly say to myself, I used alcohol like I did other drugs. I am an addict, I could accept that. When I got really honest and looked at the thinking behind the drinking, I knew I was an alcoholic.

[MajestyJo]

Reality/Wishful Thinking

"So much of my life had been wishful thinking and projecting onto others what I wanted things to be, like rather than what they really were."

How can you be in 'reality' when you continue to use people, places and things to take you out of it?

I don't like how I feel. I don't want to eat right now and I would grab a cigarette." I really can't handle all these emotions right now and I scarf down a KFC dinner. I can't stand all this pain, let me take a pill and make it go away. I don't like my life and how it is going let me smoke a joint and mellow out. I have just too much stress, let's have a double!

I want life to be smooth with no ripples and I just want to sail along on life's journey without a care or worry in the world. If I just turn a blind eye and pretend that it isn't there, perhaps it will all go away.

As someone once said to me, "Why shouldn't it happen to you?" It happens to others, why should you be exempt? What gives you the right to be different?

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things...

Life doesn't get better, I do. I have recovery tools to handle life on life's terms, not always as I think they should be.

[MajestyJo]

Self-condemnation/self valuation

Well then--I as about to say self valuation until someone asked me going out the door to be nicer to ME. Huh?!

I can be pretty self critical--not in a condemning way, cuz I'm clear that my worth and value isn't contingent upon 'doing'. But I DO have a tendency to be inventorying all the time and putting a lable on it that apparently makes some folks think I'm putting myself down.

I get how they see it, and I'm thinking I need to be more on the sharing side on how what I do doesn't define my value.
"Oh--THAT was dumb"
"WAY to go, ya dork"
"I'm such a dweeb"
"SOMEday this WILL be gone from my defects list---REALLY!"
And "I'm a liar cheat and a thief--" even said tongue in cheek can give folks the impression that I'm devaluing me.
Me and my sense of humour...

It's not that I'm down on me--and I have no shame about the places I've been and the things I've done. They all brought me to where I am today. They don't define ME. But when I don't give people the whole picture their perception is thwarted and conclussions are drawn.

I don't devalue myself--cuz as a child of G-d my value just IS. But I do contribute to making it look LIKE I don't value me. And this, I need to do something about.

~~~True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of G-d.~~~

Posted on another site by graced used with permission. It is awesome to be given that permission and told, anything that I post that will help another, you are free to pass it on.

It is amazing how those old tapes can still come back and haunt the psychic. When I find one running, I try to remember that I may do stupid things, but that doesn't mean I am stupid. I may be a bit crazy, zany, and a bit eccentric, but that is okay today. At least it isn't the insanity of active addiction.

I am grateful that I can validate myself today and not have to go outside of myself for it. I am also glad that when I find myself abusing me I can make amends and give myself some much needed TLC!

No one was more critical and self-abusing than I was. If it wasn't perfect, to my way of thinking, it was wrong. As it says in the Big Book, we need a change in attitude in order to bring about recovery.