Stinking Thinking

[MajestyJo]

Stinking Thinking

"One of the core characteristics of this disease of Codependence is intellectual polarization - black and white thinking. Rigid extremes - good or bad, right or wrong, love it or leave it, one or ten. Codependence does not allow any gray area - only black and white extremes.
Life is not black and white. Life involves the interplay of black and white. In other words, the gray area is where life takes place. A big part of the healing process is learning the numbers two through nine - recognizing that life is not black and white".
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls, by Robert Burney

The "stinking thinking" of Codependency causes us to have a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves and others. These are some traits of that stinking thinking:

1. Black and White Thinking:

The disease comes from an absolute black and white, right/wrong, always and never perspective. "I will always be alone". "I never get a break". Any negative thing that happens gets turned into a sweeping generality.

2. Negative Focus:

The disease always wants to focus on the half of the glass that is empty and lament, rather than be grateful for what we have. Even if the glass is 7/8 ths full the disease can find some negative to focus on. (On the other extreme are some people who focus only on the good as a way of denying their feelings.)

3. Magical Thinking:

Mind reading, fortune telling, assuming - we think we can read other peoples minds and feelings, or foretell the future, and then act as if what we assume is the reality. We often create self-fulfilling prophecies this way.

4. Starring in the Soap Opera:

Blowing things out of proportion, playing the "King or Queen of tragedy". Some of us are addicted to "Trauma Dramas" and want the excitement and intensity of dramatic scenes while others of us are terrified of conflict. It is quite common in codependent relationships to have one person who is over-indulgent and dramatic emotionally coupled with someone who wants to avoid conflict and emotions at all costs.

5. Self-Discount:

Inability to receive, or to admit to our own positive qualities or accomplishments. When someone gives us a compliment we minimize it ("Oh it was nothing"), make a joke out of it, or just ignore the compliment by changing the subject or turning the compliment back on the other person.

6. Emotional Reasoning:

Reasoning from feelings. "I feel like a failure therefore I am a failure". Believing that what we feel is who we are without separating the inner child's feelings about what happened a long time ago from the adults feelings in the now.

7. Shoulds:

"Shoulds", "must", "ought to" and "have to" come from a parent or authority figure. "Should" means "I don't want to but they are making me". Adults don't have shoulds - adults have choices.

8. Self-Labeling:

Identifying with our shortcomings and mistakes, with our human imperfection, and calling ourself names like "stupid", "loser", "jerk" or "fool" instead of accepting our humanity and learning from any mistakes or shortcomings.

9. Personalizing and Blame:

Blaming yourself for something you weren't entirely responsible for, or for how someone else feels. Conversely, you may blame other people, external events, or fate, while overlooking how your own attitudes and behavior may have contributed to a problem.

As children we learned to blame others to keep from feeling the shame of being blamed. As adults we swing between blaming and self-blame - neither is the Truth. The answers lie in the gray area, in 2 through 9, not in the extremes.
The Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body.

You may like or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons.

You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

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3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.

Growth is a process of trial and error experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works"!

4. A lesson is repeated until learned.

A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end.

There is not part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here".

When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here"

7. Others are merely mirrors for you.

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you.

You have all the tools and resources you need, what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you.

The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this!

Source Unknown

Risking

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk.
To Love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.


But, risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing at all.
The person who risks nothing still does not avoid suffering and sorrow because suffering and sorrow are an unavoidable part of life.

What they avoid by not taking risks it the opportunity to learn, feel, change, grow, Love, live.

Chained by their certitudes, they are a slave. The have forfeited their freedom. Only a person who risks is free.

Source Unknown

Continued...

[MajestyJo]

Styles of Distorted Thinking

Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of the situation.


Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you are a failure. There is no middle ground.


Over Generalization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or other piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again.


Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to tell how people are feeling about you.


Catastrophizing: You expect a disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start, "What if's?" What if a tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you?


Personalization: You think everything people do or say is some kind of a reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc.


Control Fallacies: You feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control makes you feel responsible for the pain or happiness of everyone around you.


Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair but are sure that other people won't agree with you.


Blaming: You hold others responsible for your pain, or else you blame yourself for every problem or reversal.


Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act or feel. People who break these rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate them yourself.


Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true automatically. If you feel stupid or boring, then you must be stupid or boring.


Fallacy of Change: You expect that others will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes and happiness seems to depend on them.


Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities into a negative judgment. When you make a mistake, instead of describing your error, you say: "I'm a loser." If someone irritates you, you label them, "He's a louse."


Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove your opinions and actions are correct.


Heaven's Reward: You expect all of your sacrifices and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score.

by Adult Children Anonymous

I would have liked to have posted this in ACoA, hope people will find it here. Seeing as copy and paste isn't allowed, I put it here, because I think it is a message for all those in recovery.

So glad I went to AA before I went to ACoA or I might have died in my denial.

I was told to allow the adult Inner Self to give the Inner Child the love and hugs she felt she never got but needed.

A sure sign that my thinking stinks is when I start cussing everything in site. A sure sign I need a meeting or a talk with my sponsor.

[MajestyJo]

DAILY OM

What's Fun Got To Do With It
Finding Joy in Meaningless Tasks

Spending an afternoon working on the car, gardening, or even cleaning the house can be fun when we have an interest in the project. Yet, we can also find joy in the chores and tasks we don't especially like. All we need is a change of attitude, a different approach, a little music, or some help from friends, and the tasks or responsibilities that we perceive as tedious can become a source of pleasure.

Most of us tend to put off what it is that we don’t want to do. Yet, one of the best approaches to an unpleasant task or dull chore is to dive right in and be fully mindful of what it is that you are doing. You may not perceive washing the kitchen floor as enjoyable, but it can be if you view it as a loving act for both yourself and your family. Lose yourself in paying your bills, and thank the universe that you are able to receive the service you are writing that check for. Mending can become a treasure hunt to find the right button and matching thread. And, each morning, see how neatly you can make your bed and take pride in your results.

Playing your favorite music, dancing while you work, or creating a mental list of everything you are grateful for are just a few ways to turn an unexciting activity into a fun event. Ask a friend to help you clean out the basement or paint a room; provide some yummy snacks as an incentive. Look for joy in doing your mundane activities, and they’ll become a source of enjoyment rather than a tolerable duty.

What do you think?

I once heard that doing dishes can be an act of meditation. I believe it could be true, but for me, who hates doing dishes, I am highly suspect. I do believe in doing your best in what ever situation you find yourself in. You might as well enjoy it it is better to have fun doing something than going about it with anger and resentment. As they say, the failure is in the not trying. The negative is looking at life with gloom and doom, why not think positively?

[MajestyJo]

For many years, I didn't find much joy in living. It seemed like the days would never pass and time was never ending. When I got clean and sober, and I found my feeling or should I say my true feelings, not those imposed on me or feelings that I never allowed myself to feel; either from fear of rebuttal or reaction, fear of rejection and disapproval; fear of lack of acceptance and validation; for what ever reason, they were surpressed and I used to help do the suppression. Then they came bubbling up and I didn't know what to do with them, how to control them or if I needed to, how to express them in a healthy way, and more importantly how to identify them.

Joy is a choice. It is something I try to put in my day. I don't choose to be sad, but when I do, that is okay. It is an emotion too. Today was an especially joyful day because I came first in the individual bridge tournament. I have played before and the highest I had come was fourth. I find joy just in playing. But when I found I won, I think joy was too mild of a word to use. I was ecstatic. I found happiness when I got home, my son cooked me a chicken dinner with mashed potatoes and creamed corn. Two of my favorite comfort foods that brought more joy into my day. I even found joy in making the gravy. Food always tastes better when someone else cooks it. I was so comforted that I started to yawn and made the decision to go to bed. I had been up since 6 a.m. Here I am again awake at 5 a.m. but that is okay. I had a good sleep.

Joy and comfort is where we choose to find it. What may be a joy to me may be a chore to someone else. The nice thing is, that is okay!

Posted in 2009

Response to the thread:

I hope it was the brown gravy. Mmmmmmmm gravy.

I do most of the cooking in my house. Okay all of it. When I lived alone I had to learn. The only thing I can't do right is fry an egg. They always look like a hockey puck when I get done.

Most of the time I get home from work before my wife does. I generally do most of the housework before she gets home. Her job is much more stressful than mine. I figure if I do it she won't have to so that's my attitude. Try to make the bed, laundry, vaccum, clean the kitchen. We live in an apartment so we don't have to worry about yardwork. That's what my in-laws house is for.

A few years ago my mother-in-law expressed a desire to have a patio in her backyard. Dummy tells her sure I can do that. Of course never having done much manual labor like ever. So I get the right tools, a crapload of 2x8x16 red cinder blocks and a few weeks later the patio was finished. I guess it's the feeling of accomplishment knowing I did something nice for someone. Of course it had to be perfect before the last block was placed. She kept asking me how much money I wanted for the job and I kept saying no so she fed me. I will work for food.

Mr. S.

My reply:

Thank you so much for sharing. It is those little things, as you say the comfort things. Ironically, I don't do eggs well either. As my son grew older, he made a point of making his own. Mine ended up broke or overcooked so generally just decide to scramble them. Figure it is easier that way and didn't think I could do wrong. Unfortunately, I can mess them up too.

Don't make brown gravy with chicken as I generally bake it and let it cook in it's own juices. If I need extra gravy, I had potato water or more chicken stock. Sometimes I add milk like it is suggested on the cooking channel. When I worked on banquets they called me gravy Jo. There was always an argument about flour or cornstarch. Personally, I like cornstarch because it is light and let's the flavour of the food come through.

It says in the Big Book that those of us who recover make good employees. We take that extra step to make things right and do it well. I think it is a way of making amends to ourselves and indirect amends to those who have moved on out of our lives.

Sounds like the whole project would be very grounding, satisfying, and a sense of accomplishment for a job well done. We tend to forget to endorse ourselves. As the reading says and the Big Book promises, "The joy of living!"



It is good to go back and see where I was at, I am still having the same issues, but one day at a time we get through them. It is 5 years since this was posted. I had forgotten and it is always good to remind myself, it is one day at a time and just for today, I choose not to use.

[MajestyJo]

Found church to be dangerous and it wasn't until I learned the spirituality that enlighten and opened my heart and eyes as to how big God really ones.

I don't leaving people of different religions being left outside of the circle. Selective hearing and a closed mind, blocks you from God's blessing available to you.

I was raised in the church, I went to church even as my addiction grew. Just the church alone couldn't keep me sober. I taught Sunday School, was saved and baptized at 14, dedicated my life to God at 18, and it didn't stop me from becoming an alcoholic.

In today, my religious beliefs enhances my spiritual life and my spiritual believes, drew me closer to my God and a deeper understanding of His Will for my life.

Honestly, if I had to make a choice, it would be AA. It saved my life. When I went back to church, I went to Associated Gospel. I loved the music, and what the minister said, I could apply it to what I learned in AA and Al-Anon.