Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2024

[bluidkiti]

July 29

Quote of the Week

"I don’t like things changing without my permission."

I used to spend a lot of time and energy trying to arrange life to suit myself. I would lie in bed at night planning not only my every move, but yours, too. I even used to think I could manipulate places and things, and I burned up a lot of energy foolishly trying to bend life to my will. Then I would wake up and things would change, so I started all over again trying to twist the changes to my suit my will. I was exhausted when I entered the rooms.

Once I had attended my first week of meetings, I started planning how my recovery would go. I lay awake at night thinking about where I would sit at meetings, who would sit next to me, what I would share, and more. I planned out the first year of my sobriety, including the new job I would get, the perfect sober woman I would marry, and the circuit speaking I was sure they were going to ask me to do. But then I woke up and found that the meeting location had changed, and my sponsor told me no relationships in the first year, and that I should hold off on changing jobs until I had more time in the program. I started feeling exhausted again.

That’s when he told me I might want to “let go and let God.” My sponsor suggested that I begin taking my life one day at a time, and that I begin asking for God’s will instead of trying to have things my own way. He told me I would be much more open to the changes that constantly happen in all our lives once I turned things over. It took a lot of practice, but when I started going with the flow and welcoming change, that’s when I began seeing the miracles and opportunities that come with it.

[bluidkiti]

August 5

Quote of the Week

"The answer is not in the problem; the answer is in the solution."

Before recovery, I lived in the problem. If things weren’t going right, or if something went wrong, that’s all I thought about. I would dwell on it, talk to my friends about it, and think about all the ways it could get worse. It was as if I was addicted to the dark outcomes of my problems. Soon I couldn’t see—and didn’t even want—a way out.

Once I began working the Steps and seeking outside help, I became aware of my negative thinking and I learned the way out. My therapist taught me that I couldn’t solve my problems using the same mind that created them. She told me that I had to source deeper and turn to my Higher Power. And sure enough, as soon as I stopped thinking about the problem and started thinking about God, the solutions began to appear.

Today, I live in the solution much more than in the problem. Even though I can occasionally still go to the dark side, my program, my sponsor, and my friends in the fellowship are all focused on finding solutions. When I turn to them, they are quick to help me find the answers I need. I am also quick to rely on my Higher Power, asking many times each day for inspiration and a new perspective. Today, I know the answer is not in the problem; the answer is in the solution.

[bluidkiti]

August 12

Quote of the Week

"The way to make a mountain out of a mole hill is to add dirt."

It used to be that anything that went wrong—or didn’t go my way—easily became an impending disaster. Toothache? Must be a root canal. Boss not smiling? Probably going to get fired. Left to myself, my incessant negative thinking was quick to add dirt to any mole hill until the mountain of imaginary evidence overwhelmed me.

When I entered recovery, my sponsor was quick to point out a few tools I might find useful for my distorted thinking. The first was, “One day at a time.” He asked me, “You’re not having a root canal, and you aren’t being fired today, are you?” “No,” I grudgingly replied. “Then take it easy,” he suggested. Next, he taught me, “Take the next indicated action.” Calling my dentist was a manageable action, whereas worrying endlessly about an imagined root canal wasn’t. Using these and other tools of recovery helped restore me to sanity.

Today, I’m quick to recognize a mole hill when one comes up, and I have the tools to keep it from becoming a mountain. My three favorites are to remember that (1) there is a solution, (2) whatever is happening is temporary, and (3) God is in charge. By focusing on God, and not the problem, I get to experience serenity while the situation sorts itself out—as it always does. And by not adding dirt to the mole hill, I avoid the imaginary mountain that used to make my life unmanageable.

[bluidkiti]

August 19

Quote of the Week

"A.A. is the only place I can hang out with sick people and get better."

I remember sitting in meetings in early recovery and hearing speakers share some of the most appalling stories. There were stories of robberies, prison, infidelity, and other assorted and demoralizing activities. What was as surprising to me as the stories was the reaction by the people in the meetings. Rather than be scared of, repulsed by, or even indignant over these stories so openly shared, they actually laughed and nodded their heads in understanding. What’s wrong with these people? I thought.

When I shared with my sponsor about how I didn’t understand how people could share such embarrassing and private things so openly, he told me that’s how we get better. He said we have all done stupid, selfish, and sometimes utterly incomprehensible things when we were drinking. This was part of the sickness of alcoholism. He told me that the way we recover is to share with one another these shameful secrets, and in this way, they lose their power over us. He said as long as we aren’t doing these things any longer, then they remain old behavior, and the Twelve Steps teach us how to get better.

Listening to the sick things people did while in their disease gave me the courage to look at and admit my own dark secrets as well. Suddenly I realized that I wasn’t a bad person after all. Rather, I had just done bad things when immersed in my disease. By hanging out with other people who had the same sickness of alcoholism as I had, I was able to draw on their experience, strength, and hope to recover. It was then that I understood why A.A. is the only place I can hang out with sick people and get better.

[bluidkiti]

August 26

Quote of the Week

"You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be."

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been unhappy where I was and wished I was somewhere else. In school I always wanted to be in the next grade; at work I wanted a more senior position making more money; when I bought my first home, I quickly wanted one with a pool. When I entered recovery, I brought this same impatience and discontent into the rooms with me.

I remember complaining to my sponsor after a few months that things hadn’t gotten better, and that I even felt worse. He listened patiently and then said, “You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.” This didn’t make any sense to me, and as my life continued to unravel and as I grew more frustrated, irritated, and angry, I kept complaining. His answer remained the same, and it took years before I finally understood what he meant.

One of the most important things I’ve learned in recovery is that accepting where I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually is the necessary key to changing it. Once I stop resenting how things are or wishing they were different, I can begin working with God to make them better. But it all begins with acceptance of where I am right now. Today, I know that I’m exactly where I should be, and because of this, I know how to make it better.

[bluidkiti]

September 2

Quote of the Week

"It’s not going to get easier, but it’s going to get better."

When I got sober, I thought my life would get easier. I mean, I wasn’t drinking to blackout any longer, and now that I was sober, everyone should be happy for me. I even thought I deserved some kind of an award. I was sure my money troubles would disappear, my health would get better, and all the people I hurt would forgive me and life would get back to normal. None of that happened right away.

In early sobriety, the only thing that changed was that I wasn’t getting loaded any longer. I still had all the same problems as before, and in addition, I was now also racked with feelings: feelings of remorse, resentment, fear, anger, and more. And as I struggled to work the Steps, things actually got worse as I lost job after job, found I was unfit for most relationships, and was in constant fear. I didn’t think recovery was for me.

I told my sponsor that if this was what sobriety was like, I’d rather start drinking again. He told me this was what getting sober was like, but it wasn’t what being sober was like. He said if this was how we were going to feel all the time, then none of us would have remained in recovery. Each year, my life did get better and better. Even though it wasn’t easy in the beginning, I found that overall, I had discovered the easier, softer way. Today, I can’t imagine not being sober and living in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

September 9

Quote of the Week

"My sanity today is directly proportional to my honesty."

In the old days, it was hard to keep my story straight. As my drinking increased, my omissions turned into half-truths, and these turned into little white lies. After a while, I couldn’t recognize the truth anymore. As I became disconnected from people and myself, my very reality changed and my sanity disappeared. After living in this dark abyss, I finally surrendered and entered the program.

As I began to get sober, I started in on the overwhelming task of unraveling the massive knot of lies, stories, and deceptive behavior I had engaged in. I felt shame, anger, and remorse as I painfully made my way back to my true self, which had been buried beneath the disease of alcoholism. I used the tools of “uncover, discover, and discard,” and after many inventories, I finally saw the light ahead.

The road back to sanity began with the words “rigorous honesty.” Although seemingly straightforward, the challenge I had was in coming to believe that, of myself, I was enough—that if I spoke my truth, I would be accepted. The miracle is that the truth really did set me free, and the more honest I was, the more peaceful and serene I became. Today, if I’m feeling uncomfortable, I look to where my honesty may be lacking. As soon as I become genuine again, my sanity is restored.

[bluidkiti]

September 23

Quote of the Week

"We are responsible for the effort, not the outcome."

When I entered sobriety, I didn’t know how I was ever going to fix everything in my life. All the relationships I had ruined, all the bridges to jobs and opportunities I had burned—there didn’t seem any way I could control and manipulate everything back into place. How was I going to get all the people I had stolen from to forgive me? How was I going to get healthy after all the abuse I’d inflicted on myself? How was I going to get my family to trust me again? I didn’t think I could pull it off.

Luckily, my sponsor assured me that I didn’t have to. In fact, he told me I could never be responsible for other people’s attitudes and reactions to me. That wasn’t my job. Instead, he told me my job was to stay sober, clean house, and take the next indicated action. In doing my Ninth Step, he told me I was responsible for admitting my faults and making sincere amends. Whether someone forgave me or not wasn’t up to me. I was responsible for the effort, not the outcome.

Learning to let go of outcomes wasn’t easy for me. After a lifetime of trying to arrange life—including other’s reactions and opinions—to suit myself, simply taking the right actions and leaving the results up to God seemed impossible. But the miracle is that every time I follow God’s will and not my own, wondrous and unexpected outcomes flow into my and other people’s lives. Plus, now that I know I’m not responsible for all the outcomes in the world, I’m able to live a life that can be happy, joyous, and even free.

[bluidkiti]

September 30

Quote of the Week

"Easy does it, but do it."

I was quite a procrastinator before recovery. I had a lot of good ideas, but I didn’t want to act on them until I had thought things through and the time was right. For example, I wanted to go back to college, but I thought I should have my house paid off first. I wanted to get married but thought I should actually have a better career first. Regarding drinking, I thought I would be able to stop once I had that good job that allowed me to get a better house, a wife, go to school, and so on. I didn’t get much done.

In sobriety, there seemed like a lot of things I could do. I could get commitments, get a sponsor, work the Steps, and, oh yeah, stay sober. When I saw the saying on the wall that said, “Easy does it,” I relaxed and thought I’d just keep thinking about it all. And that’s when my new sponsor told me there is a chapter in the Big Book called “Into Action,” not “Into Thinking.” He suggested I get busy.

I’m so thankful he directed me to jump in and become part of the program. He told me I should take contrary action if I didn’t feel like taking action, and that if I brought the body, the mind would follow. He told me that “Easy does it” refers to my tendency to obsess and overdo things, and that the “But do it” part refers to overcoming my resistance to change. I learned that I can’t think myself sober—or into any of the things I want in life—but if I take action, I can live the life of my dreams.

[bluidkiti]

October 7

Quote of the Week

"When all the little things really bug me, it’s because there’s a big thing I’m not facing."

Irritable, restless, and discontent—that is my normal state as an alcoholic. Going to meetings, working the Steps, and praying and relying on my Higher Power are the ways I get restored to sanity. By doing so, I actually achieve some peace and serenity. But even when I am in a calm space, if little things still bother me, I now know to look beyond my alcoholism.

It’s amazing how my first instinct these days, even with considerable time in the program, is to deny or ignore things that are uncomfortable in my life. It’s been my experience that not facing what at first appears to be no big deal often turns it into one and quickly makes my life unmanageable. And the first warning I’ve done this is when all the little things (stuck in traffic, misplacing my keys, a line at the market) start to really bother me.

Today, I’ve learned to acknowledge these things and recognize them for what they are: indications that there is something bigger that I’m not facing. As soon as I take the time to look at what’s really going on, I immediately begin to feel better. And once I begin to apply the tools I’ve been given in this program to deal with whatever is going on, I find that it really isn’t such a big deal after all. Today, I use the little things to help me become aware of and to deal with the big things.

[bluidkiti]

October 14

Quote of the Week

"The only thing that can ever make me drink again is untreated alcoholism."

There is a lot in this quote. First, it reminds me that no matter how much time I have in the program, I still have the disease of alcoholism. I used to think, and hope, that one day I would outgrow my addiction. But like someone once said, after each day I stay sober, at night alcoholism is in the closet doing push-ups, and by morning it has grown stronger. In other words, it’s never going away.

And this is why, each day, I have to do something to strengthen my recovery and treat my alcoholism. I can go to a meeting, work the Steps, talk to another alcoholic, or be of service in some other way. Each of these activities helps to keep me spiritually fit, and only by developing, maintaining, and growing my spiritual life can I effectively treat my alcoholism and stay comfortable in my own skin.

Second, this quote reminds me that other people’s untreated alcoholism is a danger to me as well. If I’m not spiritually fit, then I am vulnerable to the influence, the resentment, the lure, and the romance of others’ alcoholism. In these and many other ways, alcoholism truly is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Only by constant vigilance and treatment of it can I remain safe, sober, and recovered.

[bluidkiti]

October 21

Quote of the Week

"We come to A.A. to get a life, not for A.A. to be our life."

After I got over my old ideas about getting sober and fully surrendered to the program, all I wanted to do was hang out in recovery. I felt comfortable and safe going to two meetings a day, seven days a week, and because I was unemployed, I had the time to do so. After meetings, I loved going to fellowship, and some of my fondest memories to date have been late dinners with a group of other sober people. I didn’t want to engage with any family members, and I no longer spoke to any of my old drinking buddies. I lived in the pink cloud of early recovery and never wanted to leave.

After a while, my sponsor suggested I look for work. He said we become self-supporting through our own contributions once we get sober. At first, I thought the stresses of the real world would be too much, and the thought of leaving the comfort of meetings made me pretty anxious. I resisted until I couldn’t borrow enough to live any longer, and so I finally got a job. I hated it. I grew resentful that I had to get up early, drive in traffic, and do something I thought was beneath me. I kept going to my evening meetings, though, and the succor I found there helped me deal with these feelings.

After changing jobs a few times and settling into a more balanced work/recovery life, I realized what the answer was. The key to feeling the same sense of comfort and safety outside of A.A. was to apply the principles of the program in all of my affairs. And chief among these is to be of service. Today, when I am engaged in any activity, I find the same feelings of fulfillment I get in the rooms as long as I seek to help others. I now know that I was given a life in A.A. so that I can have a meaningful life outside of A.A. as well.

[bluidkiti]

October 28

Quote of the Week

"I don’t believe in miracles. I depend upon them!"

If you had asked me before recovery if I believed in miracles, I would have laughed in your face. “Look at my life!” I would have said. “There are certainly no miracles happening here.” On hindsight, I wasn’t aware of how miraculous it was I hadn’t, through drunk driving alone, killed myself or anybody else yet, or how the miracle of recovery was about to happen for me.

During the first few years of recovery, the occurrence of miracles was subtle, and I sometimes missed them. My physical sobriety was something I struggled with and then eventually took for granted, but it was surely my first miracle. Later, the grace of emotional recovery and the emerging awareness of and appreciation for my spiritual self were also examples of the miracles taking place in my life. And, of course, I was always surrounded by the many miracles happening for others in the rooms as well.

These days, I have plenty of experience and evidence in my life, and in the lives around me, to believe in the existence of miracles. They may not always look like I expect them to, but they are unfolding in and around me constantly. Today, I realize it’s enough to just believe in their occurrence, and then to suit up and show up and work hard for them, and let God do the rest. Then I watch in wonderment as the miracles happen. Today, I not only believe in miracles, but I realize I am one.

[bluidkiti]

November 4

Quote of the Week

"After five years of sobriety you get your brains back, after ten you learn how to use them, and after fifteen years you realize you never needed them anyway."

What a cord of recognition this struck when I first heard it at ten years sober. I remember the first five years and how I seemed to be in a haze in the beginning. I spent these years learning how to make sense of and deal with my feelings, my life, relationships, and so on. Everything was so new to me. My focus was on recovery and learning how to live life on life’s terms.

Once I passed this phase, I did feel as if I had my brains back, and I began thinking and planning. What career did I want? How about a future with a family? How could I use my new clarity and focus to twist life to suit my needs and wants? If other people had things, why couldn’t I get them, too? And off I went, trying to arrange life to meet my new expectations.

At fifteen years, things shifted for me again. Today, when I get centered and connected to my Higher Power, I see clearly and simply, and I know that my only real purpose is to do God’s work and be of service. It doesn’t take a lot of brains to do that. Instead it takes a continuing willingness to listen to my heart and to follow what I know is right. When I’m “into action” and not “into thinking,” things generally turn out for the best for all concerned.

[bluidkiti]

November 11

Quote of the Week

"Praying is talking to God, and meditation is listening for the answer."

In Step Eleven, we “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him.” For a long time, I wondered what the difference between prayer and meditation was, and then I heard this quote. While it immediately made sense, there were important distinctions I soon had to learn.

In the beginning, my prayers were all about what I wanted to see happen for me and other people. I was busy telling God what to do: “Please let me get that job,” “Help my friend get better,” “Don’t let me lose [. . .].” It took me a long time to realize that God’s will for my life and others far exceeded my limited vision and best intentions.

After years of developing faith through experience, I finally see the wisdom in the second part of Step Eleven: “praying only for the knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.” That knowledge is the answer I listen for in meditation. My faith today comes from my experience in knowing that God’s will for myself or others is always better than what I could think up. Today, I sincerely pray for the knowledge of God’s will, and I listen for the best ways to carry that out.