Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2024

[bluidkiti]

April 15

Quote of the Week

"I may not be much, but I’m all I think about."

If I add up all the time I spend thinking about myself, at least 70 percent of the time I’m thinking (usually worrying) about my future, 20 percent of the time I’m thinking about my past (usually wishing I had made different choices), and about 10 percent of the time thinking about what I should do next. It’s easy to see why I don’t have time for others. I’m busy! And oddly, the more I think about myself, the more miserable I become.

The paradox is that all this self-centeredness isn’t driven by a big ego or high sense of self, although they are certainly contributing factors. Rather, it’s the low self-esteem of alcoholism that fuels my thoughts. This is why most of my thinking is negative and self-defeating. Self-loathing is a core characteristic of this disease, and when combined with self-obsession, it becomes a depressing and deadly combination.

Thank God the program offers me a way out. I was taught early on that self-centeredness is the root of my trouble, and that true recovery comes from thinking about and being of service to others. I’ve found that when I’m focused on others, I’m not thinking about me, and that’s always when I begin feeling better about myself and life in general. And when I feel better about myself, it’s easier to think more about helping and working with others.

[bluidkiti]

April 22

Quote of the Week

"Nothing is so bad that a drink won’t make it worse."

In my limited tool chest of coping skills before recovery, drinking was the number-one solution to my problems. When I lost a job or relationship, straight to the bar I would go. My problems melted away as the warm glow of alcohol went down my throat. After a few more rounds, I entered that “king of the world” state where nothing would ever go wrong again. So secure in that delusion was I that I continued to drink to oblivion. After years of carrying on this way, my original problems soon paled in comparison to the damage my alcoholism caused me.

As I got a little time in the program, I quickly forgot the negative consequences of my drinking. When I was at a restaurant, for example, I saw people laughing and enjoying their drinks. At parties, I saw how alcohol was indeed a social lubricant, and I began to miss the easy times I sometimes enjoyed. And when I had to deal with my problems in sobriety, I was tempted to think a drink would make them easier to address.

That is when my sponsor had me pull out my Step One inventory. In it, I recounted the real consequences of my disease. After sober examination, I realized that at no time did drinking help me; in fact, over and over again, it just made my problems worse. This sobering reminder drove me back to the real solution I found in the Twelve Steps. Today, I know, without a second thought, that regardless of the problems I’m facing, a drink won’t help. It will only make things worse.

[bluidkiti]

April 29

Quote of the Week

"If you stay on the train long enough, the scenery will change."

Whenever I talk to a newcomer, I remember the insanity of my early recovery. I used to talk in endless circles about my problems and about the people, places, and things responsible for them. I went on and on about how I could never stop drinking, and I was convinced the program wouldn’t work for me. I didn’t believe it when people told me, “This too shall pass,” but I was out of options so I kept showing up, hoping the people were right.

It took many months of staying sober and working the program, but things did begin to change. I began feeling better physically, my head cleared, and I became open to a new way of living. As I took different actions, I got different results, and after a while my life improved. More importantly, I developed the perspective of recovery, and I learned firsthand that things do change as long as I’m willing to change first.

Today, I know that I can only keep changing and keep growing if I stay on the train of recovery. No matter what the scenery looks like today (and sometimes it’s not so pretty), as long as I continue to grow along spiritual lines, I know that it will change, and things will get better. This has been my consistent and enduring experience, and I now live by and trust in the knowledge that if you stay on the train long enough, the scenery will definitely change.

[bluidkiti]

May 6

Quote of the Week

"Keep coming back and don’t drink."

I had a lot of problems in my life before I got sober. I had job problems (what I was doing wasn’t exactly legal), I had relationship problems (with everyone from my neighbors to my family to my friends), and I had tons of other stuff I was juggling that caused me constant stress. Oh, and then there was the continuous drinking, the blacking out, and all the mess that went with that. To say the least, my life was complicated.

When I entered the rooms, I couldn’t wait to tell people how much was going on in my life. I told my sponsor, my best friend, and any other poor soul who asked that dangerous question of newcomers, “How are you doing?” What I wanted so desperately was solutions. I needed answers and advice, and frankly an offer of a good job would have been helpful as well. All I got, though, was, “Keep coming back and don’t drink.” What? Aren’t you listening? That wasn’t going to solve my problems. I need some real help!

What I learned, however, was that it took many years for my life to go so wrong, and that it was going to take some time to fix it as well. The most important thing I needed to do was stay sober so that it could get better. What I’ve also learned over the years is that as long as I do keep showing up and going to meetings, I will hear the solutions I need and often just when I need them. In fact, I’ve found that the more I change, the more the solutions that I need change, too. My life has gotten a lot better, but it wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t followed the advice I got early on: “Keep coming back and don’t drink—one day at a time.”

[bluidkiti]

May 13

Quote of the Week

"Those who piss us off the most are our greatest teachers."

In my pre-recovery days, a lot of people, places, and things really pissed me off. To start with, I resented my family for always trying to tell me what to do (thinly veiled as, “We’re just trying to help you”). Schools, jobs, or any other institution that tried to dictate my behavior also pissed me off. I guess you could say I was kind of angry before I got sober.

When I entered the rooms, there was a whole new set of rules to follow (thinly veiled as suggestions), and I transferred my rebellion and resentment to them. Several months into sobriety, while I was still pretty angry, my sponsor told me something I didn’t get at first, but which is a principle I now live by. He told me that whenever someone or something made me upset, it was always because there was something spiritually unbalanced in me.

What I’ve come to understand today is that whenever I get pissed off, resentful, or upset in any way, I can almost always trace it back to self-centered fear. I’m either afraid I’m going to lose something I have or not get something I think I deserve. When I’m spiritually centered, however, and close to my Higher Power, I realize I already have everything I need, and that this essential completeness can never be taken away. Today, when someone pisses me off, I realize that person is just a teacher, and I begin looking within for what I am afraid of.t early on: “Keep coming back and don’t drink—one day at a time.”

[bluidkiti]

May 20

Quote of the Week

"Another big lie: I can do this on my own."

When I entered recovery, it was very hard for me to ask for help. All my life I had been taught not to trust others, and that if I wanted something done right, I had to do it myself. So, when someone suggested I get a sponsor, I didn’t think I’d need his help. The Steps, after all, were clearly laid out. Surely I could follow such easy instructions. For the first few months, I tried to go it alone, not calling any of the phone numbers people gave me, checking in with my “temporary” sponsor only when I saw him at meetings, and so on. Before long, I was isolated and desperate, and I went back out.

When I got sober again, I took my sponsor’s suggestion to get connected and started telling others what I was experiencing. At first it was awkward, and I felt like I was bothering people when I called them. But very quickly something else happened: I felt better. And so did those I reached out to. I also started relying on my sponsor’s guidance more as well, and together we began working the Twelve Steps. Slowly my defenses came down, and gradually I became more open to asking for help.

I must say that even after many years in the program, my first instinct is still to go it alone and figure things out for myself. But I also have a tried-and-true tool as well, which is to ask for help when I need it. What I have found especially helpful is to share a problem I am having in a meeting. Invariably when I do, other people share similar situations and what they did to deal with them. Often, in fact, people come up to me afterward and offer their experience, strength, and hope. This has helped me immeasurably and given me solutions I never would have come up with on my own. Today, I try to avoid the big lie and reach out to others instead.

[bluidkiti]

May 27

Quote of the Week

"Formula for failure: try to please everyone."

I used to drive myself crazy trying to please everyone. In my insane alcoholic home, I learned that if I didn’t make waves, and just agreed with everyone, then maybe for a little while there would be some peace. But it didn’t last long. Soon I would have to change, adapt, and give in again to placate the prevailing mood or attitudes of others. It was exhausting, and in the middle of it all, I lost my sense of self.

In working the Twelve Steps, I discovered something else: I had a lot of resentments. I used to consider myself an easygoing guy, but what I learned by doing a Fourth Step inventory was that by acquiescing to others by trying to please them, I was untrue not only to myself but to others as well. By looking at my part in the fourth column, I realized that if I was to be happy and free, it was up to me to change.

Changing the way I interacted with others, especially with my family, was very uncomfortable for a long time. Suddenly, I was no longer the pushover, and when I disagreed or refused to go along with their ideas, I suffered their wrath. But at least I didn’t hate myself or hold the familiar resentments anymore. After years of being true to myself, I’ve healed my relationship to myself and to others. Today, I have successful relationships because I am no longer trying to please everyone.

[bluidkiti]

June 3

Quote of the Week

"Instead of telling God how big your fears are, start telling your fears how big your God is."

I never knew how much fear ruled my life before I entered recovery. After writing many inventories while working the Steps, my sponsor had me write a fear inventory. I found that I was afraid of not only other people but places and things as well. As these fears boiled up inside me—fear of disease, of the IRS, of the police, of my boss, and so on—I began to understand part of the reason I drank so much. But now that I was sober, what was I to do with all these fears?

As I worked my way through Steps Six and Seven, my sponsor helped me see that fear was a character defect. Most of my fears, he pointed out, were based on self and driven by my demand to either get my way or not lose what I had. The way out of my fear was to stop thinking about myself and what I could get, and instead turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power. Constantly ask yourself, he advised, “What is God’s will for me here?”

It was hard to let go of my will, my old ideas, and my self-centered fear. But with constant practice, a sincere desire to be free of fear, and faith in my Higher Power, I began to outgrow fear. In those situations where fear begins to take over today, I stop and ask what God would want for me and others. “How can I best serve thee?” is my constant mantra. When I start telling my fear how big my God is, I am thinking of Him and not my fears. At that point, I begin to overcome fear, and I am free to be of service to others. And when I’m into you, and into God, I am out of myself and fear.

[bluidkiti]

June 10

Quote of the Week

"We go to meetings for relief; we work the Steps for recovery."

It happens every time: I always feel better after a meeting. Regardless of what’s going on or what my mood is, after a meeting I always feel more centered, more connected, and more at peace. The only problem is that this relief doesn’t last very long. Once I’m back in the world or in my routine, the effects of the meeting wear off, and I often find myself irritable, restless, or discontented.

I was taught a long time ago that meetings were an important part of my program, but they wouldn’t give me the recovery I needed. Only the Twelve Steps would do that. Working the Steps causes the needed transformation of my personality, which leads to a spiritual experience. And it is this spiritual experience that results in the miracle of recovery.

Even though I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state, I am reminded that I still have a disease. This is where meetings help me. When I become anxious or uncomfortable, I know that my regular meeting schedule provides the relief and the reminders I need. But I also know that I must keep working the Twelve Steps of the program to experience the recovery that saves my life.

[bluidkiti]

June 17

Quote of the Week

"We weaken what we exaggerate."

I have a habit of exaggerating things to make sure you get the full impact of what I’m trying to say. This was especially bad when I was drinking excessively. On and on I would go, embellishing as I did, on how bad my financial prospects were, or on how badly I had been treated by [fill in the blank]. I would exaggerate everything because I was sure you weren’t listening or that you didn’t really care anymore. And after years of my lying, making things up, and exaggerating, who could blame you?

When I put down the bottle and entered recovery, I continued to exaggerate and elaborate on the stories of what had been done to me. “You just don’t understand,” I would often begin. “But my case is different,” was a frequent reply. After a while, my sponsor had me inventory my experiences, concentrating my attention on the invisible fourth column: “my part.” As I did, I found that the exaggerated role I had been assigning to others was actually more my responsibility. And as I got honest and began owning my side of the street in things, I found less need to exaggerate my experiences. People began listening to and trusting me again.

These days, as my wife frequently reminds me, I am still inclined to exaggerate to emphasize how people, places, and things still don’t go my way. But I’ve learned something very valuable: when I stay focused on my part and relate my experience honestly and sincerely, I no longer have to weaken my story by exaggerating (much). Today, there is less drama in my life because I no longer try to minimize my role in how my life turns out. And there is no reason to exaggerate, and thereby weaken, my stories to feel okay.

[bluidkiti]

June 24

Quote of the Week

"God can’t give you anything new until you let go of the old."

I hate change. For some reason I’m convinced that things will get worse if they change, and even if things aren’t so good now, I’d rather they stay the same than risk a change. I was told when I came into the program that I would only have to change one thing, and I was relieved to hear that. But then they told me that one thing was everything! I quickly realized that the first thing I needed to change was my attitude about change.

A good friend of mine in the program has a different view on change. She says that you can’t know what you don’t know. “How many times do things get better after they change?” she asked me. When I thought about this and looked at my experience, I found that they almost always get better. “Then why not look at change as a chance for improvement and turn the results over to your Higher Power?” she suggested.

The more I follow my friend’s advice, the easier it is for me to handle change. A couple of days ago my wireless router went out, and it felt like the end of the world. After I calmed down, it occurred to me that I might get a more powerful router and actually have improved wireless coverage in my home. Now that was a change! These days when things change, I ask myself how they have improved or how I can make them better. Once I put my focus here, I find it’s easier to let go and even look forward to change. What I’ve learned is that God can’t give me anything new until I let go of the old.

[bluidkiti]

July 1

Quote of the Week

"I could drink, or I could do everything else."

By the end of my drinking, my world had become very small. I lost my job, again, but this time I didn’t get a new one. Most of my friends and family didn’t want to hang out with me much because I was usually drunk, or well on my way there. I had long ago abandoned my hobbies like photography and reading; they tended to get in the way of my drinking. In the end, I was alone on my couch with my booze.

I’ll never forget my first meeting—on a Tuesday night in Westwood, California. It was a large, hip speaker meeting at a church. There were probably a couple of hundred people there, and it was like I had arrived at a concert. People were talking, laughing, racing in and out of the room at the break. Wow! For a brief instant I felt part of the human race again. Later, after I had joined the program, I learned that the path back to life was through the Twelve Steps, and I committed to taking them.

As I got sober, my life did open up. There were lots of meetings, sober parties, fellowship, and more. I got a job again, learned how to be of service, and started sponsoring others. In sobriety I’ve traveled the world, gotten married, started businesses, written and published books. And each morning I greet the new day with joy and optimism. These days whenever I think of a drink, I think of everything else I would have to give up. Nothing, especially a drink, is worth all I’ve been blessed with in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

July 8

Quote of the Week

"Advice that is not asked for is criticism."

I have someone in my life who, after asking me how I’m doing and I begin to tell her, immediately starts telling me the things I need to change or start doing. Until this quote, I didn’t realize that the reason her unasked-for advice made me feel so bad was that it was thinly veiled criticism of the way I was living my life.

Thank God the program doesn’t work that way. If people in the program, or my sponsor, started giving me unsolicited advice or telling me what to do, I would have left long ago. Instead, people give me suggestions (when I ask for them) based on their own experience. If they had a similar situation as mine and they did something that worked for them, then they may suggest that it might work for me as well. It’s up to me at that point to try it or not.

Because of the program, I have learned to apply this wisdom in my other relationships also. In fact, people now call me a good listener, and it’s because I know that all that people really want is to be heard and understood. If asked, the best I can do is share my experience with a similar situation—if I have it. Otherwise, it’s best to just listen, empathize, and help them process their experience. That’s always better than giving advice that’s not asked for.

[bluidkiti]

July 15

Quote of the Week

"Have you prayed about it as much as you’ve talked about it?"

This quote could easily have said “thought” or “worried” about it as much as “talked” about it. That’s because before recovery, that’s all I did with my problems. Around and around I’d go, rehashing problems, painting the same unworkable scenarios, and obsessing myself into depression. And if others were around, I’d drag them down with me. Because I didn’t have a Higher Power in my life, there was never the thought of turning it over. Instead, it was just me and my problems—or worse—my solutions to my problems!

When I entered recovery, I was taught that I no longer had to be alone. First, I discovered a fellowship of other alcoholics who had overcome the same problems I had, and they offered suggestions and solutions that had worked for them. Next, I was introduced to the Twelve Steps, which offered a way out of my old self and my old thinking. Finally, I found my Higher Power, and through much practice I came to believe that He could do for me what I couldn’t do for myself. Once I made a decision to turn my will and life over to God, my life changed.

Through prayer and meditation, I have learned how to strengthen my conscious contact with God, and I have been given the gift of a transformed life and way of living. Today, I know that I am no longer alone, and that I no longer have to carry a burden or problem by myself. My Higher Power is always there and ready to help if I am willing to turn my will and life over to Him. Today, when I find myself talking or thinking or worrying too much, I remember to start praying. The right solutions always come when I do.

[bluidkiti]

July 22

Quote of the Week

"Discomfort is required for change."

I don’t like to be uncomfortable, and for a long time I drank a lot to avoid feeling that way. When I had stress at work, I’d drink as soon as I got off. When relationships got complicated, I drank before, during, and after interactions. After a while, my solution—drinking—made my life unmanageable, so I drank even more. Finally, when I was forced to admit my solution was no longer working, I grew so unhappy that I was willing to change. And that’s when I entered recovery.

Once in the program, I was very uncomfortable again. I wasn’t familiar with how meetings went, didn’t know anyone, and the feelings that were bubbling to the surface made staying sober nearly impossible. Plus, my sponsor was suggesting many actions that made me even more uncomfortable, like sitting in the front of the room. He said, “Sit up front in recovery row, instead of at the back in denial aisle.” He also suggested I take commitments, go out to fellowship, and write a First Step inventory. What had I gotten myself into?

Because I couldn’t imagine a life of drinking anymore, I was willing to follow his direction. As I did, something magical happened: I began to feel better. I soon learned that feeling uncomfortable doesn’t last, as long as I’m willing to take action. I also learned that I wouldn’t be willing to take the actions unless I was motivated by discomfort. In this way, I have come to see anxious feelings, negative thoughts, and old fears as merely signals that change is needed. I honor these feelings today and get into action to make the changes required for my life to get better.