HI newbie here

[Tunni]

Hi I am new to the forum, just saying hi and introducing myself..

My name is Toni and Im am 26 years old, and I have two children.. Ages 3 and 1.. I have 6 months sober, and going strong. I am struggling emotionally and looking for a great fellowship, or good non-using friends to relate with.

I am at a point that seems i'm bouncing my head off a wall over and over. I'm stuck in one place and not going anywhere. I need help figuring out what in the hell is going on emotionally, its physically draining me.

There is so much more, but its time for me to start dinner. I am here, I am an addict, and I need help. I have so many questions. I want to work the steps, but currently unable to attend meeting at the moment. Also I dont have a sponsor. Thanks for having me and im looking forward to whats going to come of this..

[MajestyJo]

Welcome Tunni, so glad you signed in to share with us. Hope you continue to come and share your journey with us.

There is a lot of recovery material here on the site for NA and AA, along with other addictions. For me the 12 Steps are a foundation and they are a common denominator between the fellowships. We used for the same reason(s), and like you, I had used to bury my emotions, and when they came up, I didn't know what they were and how to deal with them. That is why it is good to have a sponsor, even a temporary one.



Perhaps you can find an online meeting in your area, and it was by hearing others sharing, that I was able to find and label my own feelings. I heard someone share at a meeting about anxiety. I thought, what a whoose. Then as I listened, I learned that I had suffered the same thing.

Under my anger, were resentments, hurt, sadness, rejection, abandonment, and many more issues, some dating all the way back to my childhood. When I quit smoking at 7 years sober, I had to go back to the beginning, because I thought of myself as being clean, I wasn't clean of the old thoughts and patterns.

How did we deal with feeling and the unknown? We used, if not our drug of choice, for me it was food, men, computer, my bed, and found that isolation is part of my disease, it is not a recovery tool. I block myself from the sunshine of the spirit and the bonding I need from the fellowship.

I became totally obsessive and compulsive about my sites. I built 15 and now they are all gone.

[Toots]

Hi Tunni,
I am Annie and also new to this site. Best wishes! Life is a struggle, but a lot easier sober.

[Tunni]

Originally Posted by MajestyJo

How did we deal with feeling and the unknown? We used, if not our drug of choice, for me it was food, men, computer, my bed, and found that isolation is part of my disease, it is not a recovery tool. I block myself from the sunshine of the spirit and the bonding I need from the fellowship.

Isolation... That is definitely what is going on here. and I absolutely hate it. Its driving me further in my mind than I want to be, causing the worst anxiety. In the first 90 days in my recovery I tried the 90 in 90. I ended up going to 2 meetings a day, 7 days a week. I took so much comfort in it, and it gave me so much hope.

But here I am hours from home, in the middle of nowhere. Not really by choice. I mean I guess I have a choice. But I tell myself that, so i dont dwell on getting high and taking off back home just to do that. My kids were relocated here, I no longer have custody of them. I however, live under the same roof as them. But my mother in law moved down here, because this is home to her. This is where all her friends, family, and help is.. She was all on her own for 3 months with my two children, I dont blame her for moving where she knew she could get help..

But of coarse I am going to follow my children. I have gotten myself in the worst situation, all because of my using. I try my hardest to stay as busy as the situation will let me. Lol I will say there is never a dirty dish in the sink for longer than 20 minutes, or is there a single piece of dirty clothing laying around. I clean, re-clean, chase after the kids like there is no tomorrow, and read ALOT! Video games, and writing help out alot too.

But there is only so much I can do. Sometimes I wake up and I am stuck in my head all day, the anxiety kicks in and Im literally stuck in one spot of the house and cant move until I can talk myself out of it. I want to go to meetings, I want to hear other people's stories, and I definitely want a sponsor.

My mother In law works so much, There is only one car, and I have no babysitter.. Her cousin that was watching the kids before when I was in rehab wont help out anymore, just because I am home.. Lucky enough though their dad just came home. So I know things will be changing soon, and ill be able to go to meetings again. Its just right now, I am losing it. My anxiety is only getting worse.

I guess I want to establish something somewhere, start somewhere. It might be weeks before I can make it to a meeting.. Im dealing with emotions that have been buried so deep since i was a kid, stress and anxiety following it. I am also struggling with "going back out there" now more than ever. It wasnt even this intense my first month. Im open to all suggestions, and will take any advice. and if i can help anyone I will. Although Im not sure ill be able to have any good advice to contribute..

Thanks for welcoming me

[MajestyJo]

Thank you for sharing. Perhaps you can come to the site a couple of times a day if possible, and look at the material posted here. We have a daily Check In, where you can stop by and share what is happening with you.

It doesn't matter if the topic is old or new, you can still respond, whether to ask questions, identification with what is posted, or share your own experience, strength, and hope.

[yukonm]

Hi Tunni,
It's me, Mary !! Would you be interested in participating in an online meeting? The format is very similar to f2f meetings. It can be kind of muddled at first, depending on how many people are in attendance. If you think it's something you might be interested in just let me know.
Are you sure there aren't ANY meetings where you relocated? I do LOVE online support, it helped me stay sober when I went through a period of depression and isolation at about one year clean/sober. So I do encourage you to stay active here.
Please check out the Daily check-in forums and read through some of the threads there. You can also start one of your own as well as comment on the other's giving some encouragement. That way you can build a rapport with the other members......we are a family here. Again, welcome and I hope to hear from you soon.

[MajestyJo]

Hope you continue to come to the site. I was told that if I wanted sobriety, I only got what I put into it.

[Tunni]

Originally Posted by yukonm

Hi Tunni,
It's me, Mary !! Would you be interested in participating in an online meeting?

Are you sure there aren't ANY meetings where you relocated? I do LOVE online support, it helped me stay sober when I went through a period of depression and isolation at about one year clean/sober. So I do encourage you to stay active here.
.

I would definitely be interested in the meeting, just tell me when and where. Ill be there. There are meetings around here. But I have realized recently that maybe im just making up excuses and just dont want to go anywhere. Being around other people right now makes me extremely nervous. Im not exactly sure why right now. But Im going to try this out, and do alot of free writing and see where it gets me.. It's easy to tell your story to someone you have never met, and know you'll never meet. Makes the judgement, or what might seem like judgement to me.. easier.. I'm afraid of what I might have to face out there, or my reaction to it. I have to get back to work soon and that scares the hell out of me. I've consumed so many drugs at many different workplaces in the past. I'm very much aware of how easy it could be to just slip up. How much its actually around all of us. It's really scary if you think about it. The drug world is a 600 billion dollar business. Thats an intimidating fact to take in. Especially if your an addict.

We're everywhere, people in all walks of life, on every street corner, in grocery stores, or even your neighbor. Therefor making it easy to consume it. Im terrified to trust myself with that. So right now I'll do this, try to do some critical intensive internal healing that I so clearly need.. I enjoy reading other people's stories, and I can definitely relate tho most of it. So i will stick around and do some reading and writing.. Thanks for taking the time to read my story, I hope mine can help someone else out..

Toni

[yukonm]

Hi Toni,
I am going to PM you information on an online meeting site. They have several meetings daily and general chat in-between meetings. I am chairing a meeting myself tonight but maybe I could 'meet' you at one of the later meetings or one tomorrow. My plate is kind of full right now but I would be thrilled to attend a meeting with you. Actually, Thursday would be better for me BUT why don't you check out the format in the meantime, OK? I am so glad that you are here. We may even have a chat room here for casual chat sessions......let me check that out, too. I will touch base with you later.

[Toots]

What online meeting do you use?

[Sagan]

Hi Toni,
I'm new here as well, and you're posts have rung quite a few bells of my own.
Firstly, my name is Toni, too.
Secondly, anxiety is kicking me in the butt!!!
Social anxiety, anxiety about failing (failing in so many different aspects), anxiety towards my emotions/nonemotions at times.
I have only two days under my belt at this point, but I recently started taking step again towards recovery. I am lucky enough to have counselors at the university I'm attempting to attend. I say attempting because this semester has been slipping trough my fingers. I started with 45 days under my belt, but have since let the stress of my fear of failure draw my back to the mind-numbing ways of alcohol. I really think my fear of failing while I had no excuse (daily drinking) drove me back to it.

I'm also quite shy, and the idea of going to meetings with x-many new faces and people to meet absolutely terrifies me. I'm used to being shy, but not This shy. I've isolated myself in order to cut out a lot of triggers, but it's only helped so much and I think it's hindering my emotional/mental recovery.

I set a somewhat loose 60-90 day drink free stint with my counselor about an hour ago, and I found this website about 30 minutes ago.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling and class is about to start. (I'm even scared to go to class right now because I've missed so many classes and am scared to ask my professor for help.)

I hope all is well for you today, and once I have more time to learn this forum, I hope we can chat and help each other along. I'm going to try to attend a meeting today, and I'm already shaking with anxiety. It's actually pretty difficult to type right now.

Again with the rambles!

Toodles!

[MajestyJo]

Welcome Toni, thanks for sharing. Sharing helps us get through it. I use to be very extroverted and at 4 years sober a friend said I was an introvert. I think it is because I no longer had the drugs to block my reality. They helped us and were our coping tool until they no longer worked, then we start looking at other stuff.

Often our anxiety and other feelings are rooted in our past, and the 12 Steps allow us to heal, one day at a time. There is recovery material here, hope some of it will help you.

I had to pray for the willingness to get out the door. I would go grocery shopping and would leave the cart in the store and walk out. One of the miracles of recovery, along with many more, like no longer having to get off the bus, and fear of walking over bridges and grates and the fear of falling. Had the fear of thunderstorms and fire because our house was struck by lightning when I was 5, and now I can stand on my balcony and watch it.

It took two friends to hold my arms to get me to my first speaker meeting. It reminded me of the bar because it was so noisy and they were laughing. I went to a lot of small discussion groups. I didn't have a computer. I knew that meeting makers make it and I faced my fears, and went to two meetings a day for two years. I was still doing 10 meetings a week at 10 years sober because of service and for my own sobriety.

I have a tremon disorder, it makes my hands shake, and people thought I was using even though I was clean and sober. I couldn't take it personally, just did the do things they told me to do. Don't pick up, go to a meeting, get a sponsor and a home group. We can
do what I can't do alone.

In today, I am physically not able to go to meetings very often, and I am so grateful for the 22 years under my belt. Even now, I know when I have to go to a meeting. Even talking on the phone isn't the same, it helps. I got phone numbers, many meetings have phone lists that a new member can ask for.

One day at a time, it does get better. Our drugs and alcohol cover things up, doesn't take all the pain away.

We are not alone, the God of your understanding is only a prayer away. Even if you don't have an understanding of God, He will make Himself known to you if you just keep coming.