Step Four Study

[MajestyJo]

It helped me to go to meeting and hear other people's stories and though a lot of their drunk-a-log I didn't identify with, I certainly identified with the feelings when they shared them. That was a the key for me. Getting in touch with my feelings. I had suppressed them for so many years, I didn't always put the correct label on things. My sponsor and the social worker I worked with for the first year of my recovery helped me with that. It was the feelings of being different, of not belonging, of not being able to cope when you felt like it was your responsibility to do so. Only to find later often it wasn't my stuff, it wasn't mine to own and a lot of what I thought was anger was abandonment, rejection, and just plain hurt.

What gave me faith was seeing the program work in others. When I go downtown like I did today, I met a woman as I was leaving who is the best friend of my sponsor. She moved into my building. I hope she doesn't expect me to visit, she is a pot smoker. To balance that, I ran into a woman who use to be a member of my group. She no longer goes to meetings. Her son use to smoke pot but quit and is clean and sober. I shared with her that I was going to Al-Anon because mine was still using. She asked if it helped. I used my usual reply, "I went to AA for my denial, I go to NA for identification, and I go to Al-Anon for my recovery." 12 Steps are 12 Steps and they work because wherever I go, I take me with me.

It was great when my sponsor told me I had to find the positive to balance the negative. The only problem was that I had trouble finding it. What helped me was looking up a horoscope book under my sign. It gave me a guideline. I could see myself, positive and negative, see what needed work and be grateful that I hadn't lost all my integrity and values. Some thing God and I are still working on, somethings we are working on again, some things are where they are suppose to be, while others have been put aside for the moment. I am glad it is a one day at a time program.

My having a strong faith, found in Step Three, along with a Higher Power and a good support group, I was able to move on with this Step and get to the other side.

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

The sponsors of those who feel they need no inventory are confronted with quite another problem. This is because people who are driven by pride of self unconsciously blind themselves to their liabilities. These newcomers scarcely need comforting. The problem is to help them discover a chink in the walls their ego has built, through which the light of reason can shine. First off, they can be told that the majority of A.A. members have suffered severely from self-justification during their drinking days. For most of us, self-justification was the maker of excuses; excuses, of course, for drinking, and for all kinds of crazy and damaging conduct. We had made the invention of alibis a fine art. We had to drink because times were hard or times were good. We had to drink because at home we were smothered with love or got none at all.

AA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions


This has been one of my bigger defects of character. All my life I had to justify who I was and what I did. It started with the drinking, thinking I had to be social and keep up! Then with my husband, drank because I couldn't stand being with him unless I was drinking. I had no respect for him drunk and had none at all when I was sober and yet I stayed in that abusive relationship for seven years. My alibi was that I had lost everything as a result of him and had no where to go. We were living in a shack in the country. It was 3 miles by road and two by railroad track to go to the Legion. I say that instead of to the Village because that was generally the reason to go there. One day I walked 9 miles. I vowed that as soon as we moved back into civilization I was going to dump him. There never seemed to be a right time. I finally kicked him out with no food in the house and 50 cents in my wallet.

Never saw it as ego. I will never forget the night I stood up at my group speaking for a 3 year anniversary and saying, "I just found out I had an ego, I thought it was a man thing!" The looks were priceless.

I had the same hard luck story. If you had been beaten like I had. If you had a husband like mine, you would drink too. "If" the biggest word in the dictionary.

I think a lot of it stemmed from put downs and mental abuse. I felt like I had to justify my existance and my reason for being. Who asked for your opinion? What made you think your opinion matters? What makes you think what you have to say is important? If you weren't so stupid...! If you weren't so ugly! The tune changed from "No wife of mine is going to work, quit your job!" to "Get off your fat ass and go find a job." This is after he sold my car without my permission and ruined the other one. I had two cars going into the marriage and ended up with none.

In early recovery, I found myself justifying things because I had no self-esteem and self-worth. There was nothing of me left. It is a good thing that this is a program of practice.

I try to stay away from abuse. Words hurt leave a bigger scar than a fist! They are invisible and yet I have shed a lot of tears over them. Just last night I shed some more of them. A lot of them were a result of anger at myself for going back there.

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

We had to drink because at work we were great successes or dismal failures. We had to drink because our nation had won a war or lost a peace. And so it went, ad infinitum. We thought "conditions" drove us to drink, and when we tried to correct these conditions and found that we couldn't to our entire satisfaction, our drinking went out of hand and we became alcoholics. It never occurred to us that we needed to change ourselves to meet conditions, whatever they were. But in A.A. we slowly learned that something had to be done about our vengeful resentments, self-pity, and unwarranted pride. We had to see that every time we played the big shot, we turned people against us. We had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned revenge for such defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others. We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it.

AA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions


When I look at my life, I did try to change me to fit the conditions I was living in. The biggest problem was I made bad choices and I found myself there as a result of those choices. Many times I didn't want to leave the situation because I didn't want to admit to being wrong.

My ex-boyfriend lived in the fast lane. I speed-ed up to keep up. My ex-drank, all his family and friends drank, so I did too. With my first husband they said I made a better West Indian than he did. I was often taken as one with my dark hair and eyes while he had gray-blue eyes with light brown hair. I loved to jump up and was the life of the party. This same person became introverted and isolated as her disease progressed. He told me I couldn't smoke. I had a pack that I used at work. He found it, put it into his big mitt squashed the package and threw it into the garbage. I picked out the butts. He threatened to make me walk home from Toronto because I bummed a cigarette from his cousin when we went to the West Indian Club. This was the same man who was running around when we were married and with another woman the night his son was born. I adjusted my thinking to keep him in my life because he was the father of my child. He left when his child was two months old.

Thought my second husband was as different as night and day because he was a redhead and had freckles. The same controlling and abusive nature only more violent. I adjusted to my environment. I learned to play his games and hit back.

It was the alcohol who gave me the big-shot-ism. I was good at what I did, be it darts, bridge, snooker, communicating with others, and doing the job of the moment. I was raised to be this good little Christian girl who became a braggart, a first class b*tch, was full of self-pity and my false pride was that I was a member of the Legion. I am paying respect to the people who fought for our country, I am working in the community helping seniors, canvassing for The Canadian Cancer Society, The Heart Fund, editor of the Legion Magazine that won first place three years out of four for Legions their size. The year we missed out another used our format. We were called the Maple Leaf and they called themselves the Oak Leaf. I wrote my own column in the Magazine and for the Orillia and Coldwater newspapers which were really gossip columns. Can't be anything else when it is called "Did you know???"

When a woman who I thought was my friend campaigned for President of the Ladies Auxiliary she said to me, "We will show these old ladies how it is done and give them what for! I was a buddy. When I got my own dart team that beat hers, got involved with Ways and Means for the men, was a kitchen convener and worked for others on banquets, I got too popular and had to be put down. They use to call me Gravy Jo. At work I was Odd Job Jo, whenever there was a job to be done, they called on me to do it. At times I found myself trying to do the work of three people and ended up using because I couldn't keep up or measure up to what I thought I should be. I was spreading myself so thin that things I did were 'okay' but not to the standard that I generally set for myself. I was feeling less than, and it was a good excuse to drink.

So many times I drank to someone else's health with no consideration of my own. When I asked for help and reached out to the counselor she would read my journals and say, "A lot of anger there, a lot of anger." I didn't know what she was talking about. I said, "I don't feel it." She said, "If you don't, you should." It took seven years in recovery before I truly felt 'anger' and discovered a whole lot of other emotions under it like rejection and abandonment. This only happened when I quit smoking. Smoking was my biggest stuffer. I picked up a cigarette not to feel to take me out of a situation or a thought. It was even more so when I no longer could hide with a pill or medicate with a drink.

I had to look at my part, not what was done to me but take responsibility for my own actions. I was hurt, I was abused, etc. yet I found out that often the abused becomes the abuser. So many times feeling cornered and hitting out in defense. So many times playing a role and not being myself so if I didn't confuse myself, I sure did others. The many faces of....! Recovery was about finding the real me. It was also about learning to speak out, to set boundaries, to be open and honest. Many people may wonder why I am doing this, but secrets were what kept me sick. I can be honest with who I was and it is my goal to be honest with who I am in today.

I had major attitude when I came through the doors. It needed major adjustment. Each time I went to a meeting, it seems to wrench another piece into place the wench! I often say, "I am getting so clean I am getting squeaky!" When you only drink water, sometimes with lime or a lemon juice, you can't help but cleanse the body, mind and spirit.

Spent hours thinking up ways to get back and to get even. Most times I didn't do it, yet the thinking is the crux of my disease. I don't think you can be an alcoholic or an addict without the thinking that goes with it. If you don't have the thinking, there is a good chance you are not one. My husband was the drunk. He maybe and alcoholic but that is up to him to decide. Perhaps he did because he no longer drinks according to his sister. I am the alcoholic because I had the thinking behind the drinking. I must always remember this is not a disease of substance abuse. It is a disease that affects my thinking which causes me to pick up a substance to mask, hide, cope, etc.

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

To see how erratic emotions victimized us often took a long time. We could perceive them quickly in others, but only slowly in ourselves. First of all, we had to admit that we had many of these defects, even though such disclosures were painful and humiliating. Where other people were concerned, we had to drop the word "blame" from our speech and thought. This required great willingness even to begin. But once over the first two or three high hurdles, the course ahead began to look easier. For we had started to get perspective on ourselves, which is another way of saying that we were gaining in humility.


This reminds me of a young fellow in NA who shared with me how he had trouble getting past the shame and blame. I said if you take me out of the equation, what do you have left. What we did we can't change, it is gone and all we can do is take responsibility for our actions but more importantly, no longer continue to act out in our disease. When we put the plug in the jug, the thoughts and actions are still there. It is what we do with them that matters. When we realize that our life was a "sham" and "bla*" when we were using, we can make changes and make something worth while of ourselves.

When we get in touch with ourselves, do we want to continue to lie, cheat, play games, put down others, puff up the ego and continue with the old attitudes and actions or do we want to apply the Steps to our life and change and become the person I know my God wants me to be.

I was told that humility was to become teachable. My best thinking got me to the doors of recovery. What makes me think I can change if I keep it. This is a spiritual program and the solution is spiritual in nature. Each Step has a Spiritual Principle. As I learn to apply them to my life one day at a time, it does get better.

I played the 'victim' for far too many years. I was so out of touch with my emotions that when I got them back I didn't have a clue how to deal with them let alone label them and know what they were. When you shut down at three and don't come into recovery until you are 49, the well is very deep.

I was told that if I ever wanted to know or was in doubt about my defects all I had to do was to see who my finger was pointed at. It takes one to know one, whether the character is negative or positive. It took me a lot longer to identify the positive. The negative where like banners in the sky and had been for many years. I had to look at what was false, what was projected onto me and what was not mine to keep.

As it says in Step Ten, when ever I am troubled with anyone or anything, it isn't about them it is about me. Al-Anon's slogan "Let it Begin with me." helps me to keep focus on me and what I need for my sobriety. It may seem to be opposite to what AA teaches, but in truth, this is a program of reflection. A disease of perception and unless we continue to work the Steps and apply them to our lives, we do not change. We can 'know' all the words but unless we take them off the page and put them into our lives. I probably could get up in front of a room and quote the Steps and for the most part the Traditions. I have seen people get up who have memorized How It Works. One of those guys relapsed at 22 years sober.

For many years I had a fear. A fear that I would get to a stage in my life that I would never want to go to meetings. I heard a long-timer say that AA lost most people between the years of 10-15 years of recovery. I got to that stage. Then I got to where I wanted to go and couldn't get there. That is why this site and others have been God sent to me.

As I have said many times, "I was one of the really sick one!"

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

Of course the depressive and the power-driver are personality extremes, types with which A.A. and the whole world abound. Often these personalities are just as sharply defined as the examples given. But just as often some of us will fit more or less into both classifications. Human beings are never quite alike, so each of us, when making an inventory, will need to determine what his individual character defects are. Having found the shoes that fit, he ought to step into them and walk with new confidence that he is at last on the right track. Now let's ponder the need for a list of the more glaring personality defects all of us have in varying degrees. To those having religious training, such a list would set forth serious violations of moral principles. Some others will think of this list as defects of character. Still others will call it an index of maladjustments. Some will become quite annoyed if there is talk about immorality, let alone sin. But all who are in the least reasonable will agree upon one point: that there is plenty wrong with us alcoholics about which plenty will have to be done if we are to expect sobriety, progress, and any real ability to cope with life.

AA 12 Steps & Traditions

It wasn't until several years in recovery that I looked at a horoscope and got a different perspective on my character. I was one of those who hated the word sin. I was told I was a walking one. I figured that God couldn't love me because I didn't everything that the church said I wasn't suppose to. I smoked, drank, swore, got married twice, played cards, danced and went to movies. I would hear the word sin and cringe. I didn't feel like a bad person but I was told I was and I came to believe.

I came to the program and was told I was a sicker person trying to get better, not a bad person trying to get good. I heaved a sigh of relief. At first 'sin' came to mean Social Insurance Number. I was no longer a nobody. I was a somebody and I was worthwhile.

It later became Soul In Need. I felt like I was missing something and I was always looking outside of myself to make me feel better. I used people, places and things for temporary fixes. They didn't last, and I kept looking for more. When one didn't work, I would look for another, not just alcohol and drugs, but relationships, work, food, shopping, computer, gambling, and probably a few more that I have forgotten.

I could not cope with life and was very codependent. I read the preface to Codependent No More and ran to Al-Anon.

I came to realize that if I wanted sobriety, I had to change. Just not picking up a substance to escape me reality was not enough. It wasn't about others, it was about me and my attitudes. Others were but a symptom of my disease. There were no healthy addictions. They all led to the same soul sickness.

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

A lot of my pride was false. Much of it was a result of expectations projected onto me by others or put upon myself to reach what I thought was necessary to find acceptance, validation and love from others. No one could possibly love me because I was dumb, stupid, ugly, and a country bumpkin with no social graces. I tried to live up to what I thought you want to be rather than be who I am. Always felt like I had to do more to prove myself and yet never measuring up and always feeling less than.

Always wanting to be someone else or like someone else, being me was not enough. Never happy with where I was at, always searching for something else. I wasn't happy and resented those who seem to have it all, especially those who were outgoing and attractive and everything just seemed to fall into their lap.

Looking for love in all the wrong places and for all the wrong reasons. Fear of rejection and abandonment, made me into this person who was a maid of all traits, looking to please you with no thought of her own needs.
My needs did not exist. Angry because they were not and yet not able to speak up and ask for what I needed. I didn't know. I didn't think it was my right. That is what wives are for. That is your job as a woman. That is what mothers are for. Feeling very used and abused. Very much the victim and the martyr and playing the role. Along with the fear you wouldn't like me was fear of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, and if I said no, you wouldn't love me any more.

Looking for security, fear of being alone, and feeling like I had to have a man in my life to be complete. Fear of not measuring up, fear of being less than, and fear that you won't find me attractive. It took several years in recovery when a sponsor looked at me and said, "Hey, listen up, you are a very attractive woman." I could never see it. If I was attractive, my husband wouldn't have run around. My boyfriends wouldn't have left me or abused me. I deserved the abuse because I wasn't a good wife, mother, lover, friend, or companion.

Always the over-achiever, feeling like she has to do more to prove herself. Like my pill addiction, some is good more is better. I went from this extroverted woman out to please everyone to someone who was introverted and could hardly speak filled with self-loathing and on a great big pity party. I was so hard done by you know.

Many times I ate to drown the feelings. If I get fat, then no one will look at me. The women won't get jealous. I don't want their man but they seemed to think I am out to take him away. They are not my competition yet they always seemed to put barriers up, so I did too and wouldn't allow myself to get close to many people. Gossip almost drove me out of AA. It was hard to sort out all these emotions because I had been stuffing them for years. For the most part, I didn't want to feel.

They say that procrastination is a five syllable word for sloth. It is one of my biggest defects. Put it off until tomorrow, only tomorrow never came. Always looking to run away from home, not wanting to be alone. There was one time in recovery that I went to a meeting on Tuesday night. I would go to the meeting and I would get hugs and felt very welcome on the whole. The meetings were always good and it was there that I started sitting at the Tradition table and learning about them from the long-timers. When I left that meeting, I felt terrible. By the time I got home, I would find myself resentful and angry and I would be a happening looking for a place to land. I blamed it on the group. I stopped going to it. There was a member there who had tried to close my group down. It had to be his fault! Finally, one night I went to an anniversary. I got a ride home and I realized that I had to go home, straight home. The problem was that I was on a natural high, feeling good, and I didn't want to go home alone. When I had stomped down the street, I had wanted to go on to Hess Village and be with the crowd, listen to the music and have fun. It wasn't about any thing or anyone else, it was about me and my attitude. I turned it over to God and all was resolved. I did stop going to that meeting and only went back a few times because I was led to an Al-Anon meeting and ended up sponsoring my first Earthling and taking her through the Steps. She moved away and she went back to school. I was able to share with her where her partner was coming from and give her some indication into the alcoholic mind and yet show her how she could set boundaries, detach, and do what she needed for herself.

Now I play bridge on Tuesday, or I did, until I fired my partner last week.

Many times over the years I have phoned my sponsor and said, "I need to talk about my character defects, they were glaringly apparent today. A program of progress not perfection.

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

We eat, drink, and grab for more of everything than we need, fearing we shall never have enough. And with genuine alarm at the prospect of work, we stay lazy. We loaf and procrastinate, or at best work grudgingly and under half steam. These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundations of whatever sort of life we try to build. So when A.A. suggests a fearless moral inventory, it must seem to every newcomer that more is being asked of him than he can do. Both his pride and his fear beat him back every time he tries to look within himself. Pride says, "You need not pass this way," and Fear says, "You dare not look!" But the testimony of A.A.'s who have really tried a moral inventory is that pride and fear of this sort turn out to be bogeymen, nothing else. Once we have a complete willingness to take inventory, and exert ourselves to do the job thoroughly, a wonderful light falls upon this foggy scene. As we persist, a brand-new kind of confidence is born, and the sense of relief at finally facing ourselves is indescribable. These are the first fruits of Step Four.

AA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

One of the things that I have noticed recently is that I still had this fear in one area in my life. The fear of running out of food. Every time I had some money, what I would buy was food. It got so that I bought too much and things would spoil and have to get thrown out so I wasn't saving myself any money by buying it 'on special' and it wasn't a big deal if I didn't need it. Insecurity was a big issue and for most of my life I had very little and many times there wasn't a lot of food and yet when I was using it didn't matter. Many times I think, "Thank God for Kraft dinner and peanut butter or my son would have starved." It was a guilt that I had trouble letting go of and a time he can't let go of either. His anger is justifiable. It got to a stage where I had to say, "I am sorry my disease took me there, I can't change it and all I can do is be a better mother in today." Forgive me for what I did but I can't continue to pay for my mistakes the rest of my life. I had to ask for God's forgiveness, his and my own.

I was grateful that I recognized the pattern for what it was. That running to the store to get that next carton or bottle for fear of running out. It wasn't about getting down to one or two drinks or cigarettes left, it was about cracking that last bottle and opening that last pack. The fear would set in and I knew I had to go and have more and if I didn't have the money the fear escalated and took over my thinking in way and means to get more.

This fear had to be replaced by faith. Faith that the program would work for me and faith that my Higher Power would enable me to do what I needed to do for myself.

I had to get rid of the fear and take an honest look at what needed to be changed and to find those positive things that I hadn't lost or that had melted into the background and needed to be affirmed and brought into the Light so they could heal.

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

By now the newcomer has probably arrived at the following conclusions: that his character defects, representing instincts gone astray, have been the primary cause of his drinking and his failure at life; that unless he is now willing to work hard at the elimination of the worst of these defects, both sobriety and peace of mind will still elude him; that all the faulty foundation of his life will have to be torn out and built anew on bedrock. Now willing to commence the search for his own defects, he will ask, "Just how do I go about this? how do I take inventory of myself?" Since Step Four is but the beginning of a lifetime practice, it can be suggested that he first have a look at those personal flaws which are acutely troublesome and fairly obvious. Using his best judgment of what has been right and what has been wrong, he might make a rough survey of his conduct with respect to his primary instincts for sex, security, and society. Looking back over his life, he can readily get under way by consideration of questions such as these: When, and how, and in just what instances did my selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and me? What people were hurt, and how badly? Did I spoil my marriage and injure my children? Did I jeopardize my standing in the community? Just how did I react to these situations at the time? Did I burn with a guilt that nothing could extinguish? Or did I insist that I was the pursued and not the pursuer, and thus absolve myself? How have I reacted to frustration in sexual matters? When denied, did I become vengeful or depressed? Did I take it out on other people? If there was rejection or coldness at home, did I use this as a reason for promiscuity?

AA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

This affirms my own personal belief that this Steps is an on going thing. I have heard many say that you do it once and that is the end and you maintain your sobriety with Ten, Eleven, and Twelve. That did not work for me. As I peeled back the layers of the onion, and the truths came out that I had buried, I got more honest and I could look at my life from a different perspective. Things I thought were alright needed improving and things I thought were just fine, were more justified and righteous than positive attributes. I thought I was only hurting me or had been been the one who was hurt and needed some sympathy and while you are at it bring out the violins and make a symphony.

To the questions, like most things in the program. "Yes, to all of the above!" It was about me getting honest about me. Taking responsibility of my own actions and thoughts and how I often I played into the equation if not starting it in the first place. My tongue was a huge weapon. I could go up one side of a person and down the other, tearing off strips and tearing a person apart and then forget to put them back together again. Part of my indirect amends, has been try to atone for the damage I did. Looking at the motive and intent behind the thought and the action. Looking at the result of actions taken and seeing the chain of events that followed which caused a lot of chaos for all concerned. Often I put myself into situations to be hurt or I just couldn't leave things alone and just had to add to the fire. The best way for a resentment to grow is to feed it!

It is my firm believe that if you don't have guilt and remorse, there is a chance you are not an alcoholic. A long-timer shared with me one time that he thought that guilt took people out just as often, if not more than resentments did.

I like the format in the Big Book for looking at cause and effect.

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

importance for most alcoholics are the questions they must ask about their behavior respecting financial and emotional security. In these areas fear, greed, possessiveness, and pride have too often done their worst. Surveying his business or employment record, almost any alcoholic can ask questions like these: In addition to my drinking problem, what character defects contributed to my financial instability? Did fear and inferiority about my fitness for my job destroy my confidence and fill me with conflict? Did I try to cover up those feelings of inadequacy by bluffing, cheating, lying, or evading responsibility? Or by griping that others failed to recognize my truly exceptional abilities? Did I overvalue myself and play the big shot? Did I have such unprincipled ambition that I double-crossed and undercut I disagreewith I disagreeociates? Was I extravagant? Did I recklessly borrow money, caring little whether it was repaid or not? Was I a pinch penny, refusing to support my family properly? Did I cut corners financially? What about the "quick money" deals, the stock market, and the races? Businesswomen in A.A. will naturally find that many of these questions apply to them, too. But the alcoholic housewife can also make the family financially insecure. She can juggle charge accounts, manipulate the food budget, spend her afternoons gambling, and run her husband into debt by irresponsibility, waste, and extravagance. But all alcoholics who have drunk themselves out of jobs, family, and friends will need to cross-examine themselves ruthlessly to determine how their own personality defects have thus demolished their security. The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression. These stem from causes which sometimes seem to be within us, and at other times to come from without. To take inventory in this respect we ought to consider carefully all personal relationships which bring continuous or recurring trouble. It should be remembered that this kind of insecurity may arise in any area where instincts are threatened. Questioning directed to this end might run like this: Looking at both past and present, what sex situations have caused me anxiety, bitterness, frustration, or depression? Appraising each situation fairly, can I see where I have been at fault? Did these perplexities beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands? Or, if my disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change? These are the sort of fundamental inquiries that can disclose the source of my discomfort and indicate whether I may be able to alter my own conduct and so adjust myself serenely to self-discipline.

AA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

All my life it seemed, I looked outside of myself to make me feel better. I wasn't getting what I thought I needed from my partner, they didn't love me the way I thought they should never looking at what I was giving in the relationship, on the job, to the family.

From the absent father, to the cheating husband, to the crooked boss, the supposed best friend, and to the many needy relationships, I was always looking for them to fulfill my needs and make my world happy.

It can all be said in song: "Looking for love in all the wrong places. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against, me. You are my man, I am your woman.
D. I. V. O. R. C. E."

Often did the work of two or more people, but paid low wages. Certainly never paid the amount I thought I was worth. In the beginning, it was true, at the end, it was thank God for correction tape. I took years of abuse and never felt worthy and respected because I never had any of these feelings for myself. The only way I knew how to love was to do more to show my love or gratitude.

The emotions, I had all of them. For so many years stuffed and warped beyond recognition. Either that or glossed over and pretended that they were not there. I think one of the phrases that is often an indicator that someone is an alcoholic is "I am not as bad as...." We compare instead of identifying. I know it kept me sick for a long time.

For so many years I thought it was the pills, alcohol and the men in my life that was the problem. The problem was me with all my baggage and emotional hangups and dysfunction. It is so much easier to point the finger instead of looking in the mirror and seeing what is reflected there.

My attitude toward money was, if I have it, I spend it. I have a little more discipline in today about it and my bills and rent are paid. There is enough to see me through when I live within my income. When I become the big shot or decide to spoil myself by telling myself I 'deserve' something, then I can find myself robbing Peter to pay Paul. I use to think I 'deserved to have a drink' and many other rewards. Today I know that things have to be earned and had to ask for healing on my thinking as well as my actions concerning money.

A lot was fear based. My insecurities of running out, having to do without food, not getting any attention, and just growing old and alone. Today I am not concerned with 'stuff' and it seems the more I have, the more I want, so try to keep things in balance. If I haven't used it for a year there is a good chance I don't need it. My Higher Power meets my needs. Anything over and above that is bonus.

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

uppose that financial insecurity constantly arouses these same feelings. I can ask myself to what extent have my own mistakes fed my gnawing anxieties. And if the actions of others are part of the cause, what can I do about that?


AA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions


The first paragraph belong in part to the paragraph before it. Most of my using was done because of my insecurities and looking for someone else to validate and give me self-worth. I couldn't respect myself so how could I expect it in return. I firmly believe we are products of our environment. When I feel less than, then I hang around people who I thought were less than me and gave my ego strokes.

I tried to change things that I did not have the power to change. I tried to control things that were not mine to control and did not realize that I was powerless. I stayed in bad situations not knowing that that was something I could change. Fear of being on my own, fear of not being able to cope on my own, feelings of being incompetent and stupid, and yet would ask myself, "If you did all that, how can you be as stupid as they say you are?" To prove my worth I would only take on more things only to do things with less competance because I was spreading myself too thin. Trying to change the things around me instead of changing me to fit into life was an unknown concept. Detachment and boundaries were not there and a complete foreign concept to me.

Anxiety and paranoia were such a big part of my life. I was continually asking myself "What if...?" "Should I...?" "Could I...?" It was all about me and they took over my life. They won't like me. What if they don't accept me? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I do this and it isn't right? I was full of self-doubt.

That is generally when the attitude would set in and I would get the f&*# its! The bravado and the I don't care attitude would go up in defense of my fear and insecurity and often I would hit out and retaliate or bring someone down to make myself feel better. Not a pretty picture. Who died and made me God? I couldn't control my own life, so what made me think I could control others.


To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

If I am unable to change the present state of affairs, am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are? Questions like these, more of which will come to mind easily in each individual case, will help turn up the root causes. But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.


When I read this, my thought was "all of the above." God and I are still working on this. It certainly isn't like it use to be, and I have come a long way. The biggest growth I think is in the area of control, yet there is a part of me that still thinks that I know what is best for the whole, not always willing to conceed to the point that it is my truth not that of all concerned.

One thing I learned several years ago is that I don't balance myself to what is around me but center and balance myself and I can better deal with what is around me. I can be me and walk my talk. I can set boundaries and detach. I can express myself and communicate how I feel and how the other person's actions make me feel. I no longer rely on others and look outside of myself. My source of strength comes from my Higher Power. Yet I can ask for help from others and receive help from others which was difficult for me to do.

I do not have the relationship I would like with my family. It is not hostile. There just isn't the communication and closeness that I would like and yet I accepted along time ago, I wasn' a part of their lives for many years, so why should I expect them to make room for me now. The slogan Live and Let Live helps me with this. They are normal busy people living their own life and I have to continue living mine and when we can get together, appreciate it for what it is in the moment.

I have my home group and my bridge family. I know that I am never alone, all I have to do is go to a meeting, pick up the phone and call a friend or a member of the fellowship(s).

I have learned that things are what they are as a result of decisions made, (mine or someone else's) and are all subject to change. I don't have to like it. I do need to accept it though in order to move through and beyond.

To be continued...

[MajestyJo]

Some will object to many of the questions posed, because they think their own character defects have not been so glaring. To these it can be suggested that a conscientious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the objectionable questions are concerned with. Because our surface record hasn't looked too bad, we have frequently been abashed to find that this is so simply because we have buried these self same defects deep down in us under thick layers of self-justification. Whatever the defects, they have finally ambushed us into alcoholism and misery.

Therefore, thoroughness ought to be the watchword when taking inventory. In this connection, it is wise to write out our questions and answers. It will be an aid to clear thinking and honest appraisal. It will be the first tangible evidence of our complete willingness to move forward.

AA 12 Steps & Traditions


Justification and rationalization kept me sick for a long time. One of the biggest things that I learned was that I was as sick as my secrets. As long as I kept things buried and didn't bring them out into the open, they continued to fester and generally made themselves known through anger and depression.

It was important to remember that it was my disease that made me do a lot of the things I did. It took over my body, mind and spirit and changed me into a person that I found hard to recognize. I was raised to be a lady and for some reason, I spent most of my life trying to prove I wasn't and resented it when the 'lady' came out.

The survivor, the masculine side, took over and the feminine side languished behind. It was like if you thought I was a lady I would say or do something to disprove it. A lot of it was a defense against my own pain and guilt. Old tapes and mixed messages lead to a multitude of sins. Every step I took was in fear expecting to be struck down by the wrath of God. I didn't want to go within and look at who I was or who I had been or where I had gone. Yet the only way to make changes was to look to see what was there and what needed changing. What no longer served it's purpose. It was very overwhelming and yet I was reminded that I didn't get sick overnight, so I can't expect to get better over night.

As I peeled back the layers and opened my soul to the Light, I healed and I got better. As I grew in honesty and awareness, I had to do another Fourth Step. As more things were revealed, as memories returned, I was able to see a clearer picture. The most important part was to find the goodness to balance out the negative in my life. It wasn't about the other person. It wasn't about the abuser and the ridiculer, it was about me and my attitude.

May the White Light of Love and the Spirit of the Universe surround each and everyone of you that you too may find the healing and the blessing that I have received on my journey to recovery.

What you need most of all to do this step is a Sponsor you can trust and communicate with.

Love Always, Jo

[MajestyJo]

This should be written out with a sponsor or a clergyman. This is a suggestion in the different fellowships at least the early ones.

This was started in February 2009 and I am half way through Step 12 at the moment. This was written with 18 years of recovery insight and was written from my own perspective as the sponsor at the time wouldn't go through it with me. I took time off from it when my health was bad, because I wanted to be a clear channel and not just righting my own words. I tried to be honest and write things from my perspective. Not everyone will identify with it. Some people will not be able to be so honest and open, a lot of things were left out as a result of propriety and anonymity because of the rapes and abuse.

I went to Sexual Assault therapy at 15 years sober because a new relationship triggered things that I had not been aware of in the past. He carried a great message to me.

A man who became a Roman Catholic priest in sobriety recentl celebrated 55 years of recovery. Could be a year more or less, but which ever way you look at it, it is impressive, at least to me. He was speaking at my boyfriend's one year anniversary, he had many times had sobriety, but this was his first year. He died sober with 4 years clean and sober and working in a recovery house. When I came in he stopped talking to the ladies he was with and said, "Just because I wear this collar on backwards, doesn't mean I can't look. During his talk, he shared something that really stuck with me. He said, "People, this is a ONE DAY AT A TIME PROGRAM." When you do your inventory, it is your inventory in today. I have written several, had many one one on one with counsellors, sponsors, and clergyman, and yet this one meant the most to me. It was between me and God. It has been posted on 3 other recovery sites. I has had negative and positive results, and that is okay. My first ones were done using the Big Book. This one was done with the 12 & 12. To my way of thinking, I would not be sober today if it wasn't for the 12 & 12. It is the common denominator between ALL fellowships.

The reason why I needed to do a Step Four, was to look at what was there and what needed to be change. Patterns and behavior which no longer stand me in good stead in recovery.

I was told that if something felt 'comfortable' it was long overdue for change. Continuing to grow in the fellowship of the spirit, to walk more connected and with confidence in who I am in today.

All my life I looked to others for validation and affirmation. I lived my life through others. I thought it was impossible unless I had that someone else in my life. Today I don't look to someone else to complete me. Today, I am complete and whole within myself and have freedom of choice as to who I choose and accept into my sacred space. It is about self respect and acceptance today. When I lack either one, then I am being less than I can be and for me, not working my program to the best of my ability. The empowerment is there. Am I tapping into the Source and using the energy that is available to me.

Love the slogan, "Let it begin with me!" It isn't about the OP in my life. It is about how I walk my talk and react to what is happening around me. Today I phoned a friend and asked him to pick me up for a NA meeting tonight. I found myself cussing the little things when doing laundry. An indicator that something is not right. I also found that my timing was off. Was thinking I had 20-30 minutes left only to find that my time had run out. I have a very good connection usually about what is happening and where I am at in a day, and that wasn't happening today. When I realized it was off, I sat in a chair in the laundry room and did a meditation.

Every time I picked up, I gave away a piece of me. There wasn't much me left to inventory, and it was more a building up and replacement job, than tearing down and throwing out. It was about filling the void, and recognizing the goodness that I hadn't destroyed, or regain the knowledge I once had and gave it up in the name of addiction.

I used the format in the Big Book, because anger, resentments, relationships, and financial issues were something that I needed to address. What really helped me were the Traditions, especially 3, 5, and 7. I heard a woman share at a speaker meeting that she had to learn to work and learn the Traditions, in order to live long enough to work the 12 Steps and apply them to her life.

I typed this out by hand, so please forgive any errors. Thanks for letting me share.

[MajestyJo]

If you have fear of taking Step Four, go back to Step Three to find the faith you need to start. It doesn't have to be done all at once, take of the surface stuff, and work for there as you detox and become aware.

Bring things out of the darkness into the light. I was advised to take an inventory of what was there, good and not so good. How could I change if I don't know what is there. A lot of stuff was deeply rooted in my past, and I had to let go in order to heal and recovery.