If You Want What We Have

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----101----

Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't be mean when you say it. Saying Heard At Meetings

Newcomer

At a meeting I went to, the chairman made comments every time someone shared. Isn't that what they call "cross talk"?

Sponsor

Certain customs vary from meeting to meeting. I've heard more than one definition of "cross talk" and seen some differences in whether or not it's considered permissible to respond when others are sharing.
At most meetings, it's not customary to respond directly to what another person shares by offering opinions or advice. It's fine, though, to identify with what's been said and to share our own experience on a related feeling or topic. At some meetings the speaker responds to sharing, but rarely interrupts, even with a brief, good-humored comment. At others, the speaker simply says ""thank you"---or nothing at all. Limiting cross talk promotes the habit of tolerance and helps create an atmosphere in which it's safe to share openly and honestly.
Other customs, too, vary from fellowship to fellowship, from place to place throughout the country, even from meeting to meeting in the same city or town. Some meetings give out chips to mark anniversaries; some celebrate them with cakes and presentations. Some meetings sell raffle tickets; the prize is usually program literature. Some meetings prohibit smoking. Such policies may be dictated by local custom or decided at business meetings or "group conscience" meetings.
Recovery keeps offering us opportunities to become more flexible and tolerant.

Today, I am open and flexible. I cultivate lightness as I look and listen.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----102----

Happiness is a way-station between too little and too much. Channing Pollock

Newcomer

I'm in a bind. Someone asked me to attend an event, and I said ye. I think I should be doing more than just going to meetings. Now that the date's almost here, I wish I'd said no; I don't really want to go. But I don't think I should let people down at the last minute any more---I did that too much when I was active in my addiction.

Sponsor

When I was new in recovery, I had a serious case of what we call "people pleasing." It's taken time to sort out my own needs and desires. I've found that I need to spend time with people and I also need time for solitude and rest. Chances to try new things are among the gifts of recovery, But I don't have to do everything that comes along. It still takes effort to plan ahead for activities I care about an to leave room for spontaneity.
Making choices that please and nurture us is healthy. If we need to, we can change our minds and our plans---it's not the same thing as picking up our addictions. We need to be clear about our motives, however. If we find that we're consistently waiting until the last minute, then backing out of commitments, perhaps we're letting fear make our decisions. And sometimes, it's just plain easier to go ahead and keep a commitment we're less than thrilled about. If we've made a mistake, it's not the end of the world; our mistakes are our teachers. Through trial and error, we eventually learn how to choose good company and make appropriate commitments.

Today, I'm showing up for my life.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----103----

Creating intimacy is a skill. --Laurel Mellin

Newcomer

The so-called suggestions not to have relationships in the first year makes me angry. The rest of the world falls in love, and people get together. What can't I?

Sponsor
Let's remember that there are many, many kinds of relationships, including friendships, professional relationships, and relationships like ours, the sponsor-sponsee relationship. All of them offer valuable experience and practice at something we addicts don't know much about: the gradual process, over time, of sharing ourselves with fellow human begins.
As a newly recovering person, you will have a lot to learn about yourself. Why rush the process? The person you are today and the person you will be after several months in recovery may not have much in common. You may quickly outgrow a romantic relationship that you enter into this early in your journey. Other newcomers, like you, are involved in a revolutionary process of growth and change. If you risk getting involved with a newcomer, you may find yourself unceremoniously dumped or vulnerable to the person's unreasonable demands or unthinking behavior. Instead, you can choose to allow yourself a luxury during these early months---that of creating a sensitive, loving relationship with yourself.

Today, I cherish my new, growing relationship with myself. I look and listen lovingly to my needs and wants.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----104----

Showing up for life. Being blessed with the rebirth that recovery brings. One day at a time. --Betty Ford

Newcomer

Chronologically, I'm a grown up, but in some ways I'm far behind. It feels as if I'm growing up all over again.

Sponsor

Some people in the program say that our emotional development stopped at the point when we became active in our addictions: if we abused drugs beginning at age sixteen, then we've entered recovery with the emotional development of a sixteen-year-old.
That's an oversimplification, but it points the way to a truth. Most of us enter recovery inexperienced at whatever aspects of our lives we avoided through addiction. We may feel awkward in social contexts; we may have missed out on education; we may not have found appropriate, fulfilling work. Some of us still have to learn the basics of self-care; others have numerous adult-world accomplishments, but no dependable sense of self-esteem. At times we may feel as if we're part child, part adolescent, part mature person rolled into one.
We're not stupid or shallow. We're complex people, each with our own histories, strengths, and needs. We're capable of profound change. Happily, we're not alone in our struggles to mature and become integrated individuals.

Today, I have patience with myself as I learn more about who I am and how to live.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----105----

The readiness is all. William Shakespeare

Newcomer
I went to two different Step meetings this week, in different parts of town, and both of them were on the Fourth Step. I keep hearing that "there are no coincidences." Does this mean I'm supposed to start the Fourth Step now? How do I know if I'm ready?

Sponsor

First of all, I'm glad to hear that you're going to Step meetings, and I encourage you to keep it up. Your willingness has brought you a long way already, and it continues to be the key.
In approaching a new Step, I find it useful to ask myself if I've taken the Steps that precede it in a complete, wholehearted way.
I review Step One and remember why I'm on this path of recovery in the first place: addiction brought me to spiritual depths I don't want to sink to again.
Reviewing Step Two reminds me that I'm not alone, and that I have faith that I'll be given what I need to become a whole and free person again.
Step Three reminds me that I've made a decision. I'm willing to do what's necessary for recovery and to trust the process. I remember that I only have to do my part; my progress in recovery isn't entirely up to me. My Higher Power will do the rest. When I reach Step Four, I trust that in the process of writing about the events of my addictive life, I'll be taken care of.

Today, I bring willingness and an open mind to the next step in my recovery. I relax and trust that I am not alone.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----106----

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. Soren Kierkegaard

Newcomers

When I look at the Step Four, the phrase "the exact nature of our wrongs" sounds so grim and old-fashioned. I don't know if I can face my past that way.

Sponsor

We have a phrase---"the arrogant worm"---to express the way some of us think of ourselves: one moment we're too important to take the Steps; another moment we're the worst things that ever walked the face of the earth. Both are distortions. I'm a human being living among other human beings. I'm not a saint, but I'm not a worm, either. Words I've said or failed to say, and actions I've taken or not taken have had an impact both on other people and on myself. Chances are that the behavior I'd most like to forget is the behavior most important to include in my inventory.
The point of this Step isn't just to list our faults, not is it to beat ourselves up for them. Nor is it to complain about the ways we've been victimized by people or circumstances. It is to look where our addictions have taken us.

In recovery, I cherish my innate sense of right and wrong. Today, it leads me to take actions for which I esteem myself.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----107----

Happy for us if the grace of God enables us to live so that we retain innocency and freshness of character down to old age. --Mary Ann Wendell

Newcomer

I've always been down on myself---that's my problem. When I took the Steps and see "searching and fearless moral inventory," "the exact nature of our wrongs," and "defects of character," the language seems so judgmental. It depresses me to think of myself in such negative terms.

Sponsor

Like you, I found certain phrases in the Steps off-putting at first. I changed them in my mind: for "wrongs," I substituted "things I would have done differently"; for "defects," I substituted "old habits and ways of reacting that I'd like to be free of." I needed the gentlest possible approach; I'd been beating myself up for as long as I could remember.
The Steps aren't asking us to blame or punish ourselves. Many of us accept the idea that we inherited a predisposition for our addictions and that things that happened in our lives provided opportunities for addiction to take hold. Fortunately, recovery offers us the opportunity to see ourselves with clarity and compassion, to free ourselves to become the people we've always wanted to be. We can work the Twelve Steps with infinite gentleness and caring, for ourselves and for the truth.

Today, my compassion for myself opens me to the gentleness of the program.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----108----

Would you take a stick and punish your hand because it lacked understanding? --Rabbi Shmelke of Nikolsburg

Newcomer

What is a "moral Inventory," exactly?

Sponsor

There are many approaches to Step Four in program literature and in publications about recovery; at Step meetings you'll hear people describe still other methods suggested by their sponsors. All these methods involve writing---one of the most powerful tools we have in recovery.
Taking our moral inventory helps us to get to know ourselves better by looking honestly at our behavior and its impact on ourselves and others. One simple, effective approach, as suggested in A.A.'s Big Book, focuses on two key emotions: fear and resentment. We make as complete as possible a list of people and institutions we have feared and resented. We identify what it is in us that feels threatened by each individual on our list. The result is a portrait---not of others, but of ourselves and the feelings that have fueled our addictive lives.
Another approach is to list our assets and deficits, as we might do for a business. A balanced picture includes pluses as well as minuses, so for those of us who are experts at self-dislike, it's important to note not only our past mistakes, but also the progress we've made. How are we evolving into more honest, caring, responsible people? What are we doing better? What are our positive qualities, and how do they contribute to a strong recovery?

Today, I think about writing a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. In the spirit of honesty, I will record assets as well as deficits.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----109----

You can look at the past---but don't stare. Francis Brady

Newcomer

From what I hear, many people don't write a Fourth Step inventory until a year or two after entering recovery. Some wait three, even four years. I've heard the expression "A Step a year." Should I wait?

Sponsor

In the early days of A.A., newcomers were guided through the Steps within a few days or weeks of getting sober. Many people were helped ot a new, sober life that way. Over time, a more gradual approach has proved just as affective for newcomers in AA and other Twelve Step programs.
Today, those who are committed to staying in recovery have a great deal of fellowship support available. We have a proliferation of programs, many models of long-term experience in recovery, and large numbers of meetings to choose from. With all this support, some may choose to postpone Steps Four through Twelve, yet still manage to stay sober---though "a Step a year," if taken literally, could be a prescription for endlessly postponing the joy of recovery. Honest self-examination is a necessary part of the process that leads to the waking up of our spirits. Why delay it?
For us, gentleness is essential in doing the Fourth Step. Our purpose is not self-punishment or humiliation. It's letting go of guilt and shame that led us to numb ourselves with addictive substances and behaviors. We can begin by keeping a Fourth Step file or index cards on which we list fears and resentments one or two at a time, as we remember them. Or we can use a gentle Step Four workbook. Because we trust that a Higher Power is part of our process, we don't have to put off Step Four or hurry through it.

Today, I look at my past with honesty and compassion.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----110----

If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people. Virginia Woolf

Newcomer

Why should I have to take the blame for everything? What about the things other people have done to me?

Sponsor

Taking Step Four isn't about blaming ourselves or others. It can helps us with out anger at those we believe have harmed us. When we write a Fourth Step, we name all the people and institutions we fear and resent. By putting into writing the wrongs we believe each of them has committed, we see the array of fears and resentments that burden our minds and disturb our serenity.
It's human nature to fear or resent people we haven't treated well. If I neglect someone---I don't very much want to see or think about her. I tell myself, "It's all her fault." Guilt feels unpleasant; I may turn to my addiction to keep it at bay. Step Four ask me to take an honest look at the ways I myself contributed to or even caused the situation I'm so upset about.
But there may also be certain things we didn't cause. What if we're convinced that we're right? Instead of plotting revenge, we can understand that there are others who are mentally or spiritually ill. We can acknowledge what they have done, without having to cling to resentment. We can ask in our prayers that they be healed.

Today, I let faith replace my fears and resentments.

[india]

while i am not a newcomer, i am needing this daily reminder to be kinder to myself... this posting has helped me tremendously. Thank you SO MUCH!!