Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2016

[bluidkiti]

January 4

Quote of the Week

"God can't give you anything new until you let go of the old."

Oh how I love to hang on to what I think I know. I came into the program filled with opinions, ideas, resentments, attitudes, beliefs, etc., and even though many of them were literally killing me, I fiercely resisted letting them go. I was obstinate and defensive, but because I had hit a bottom, I was also willing to try something new.

That willingness was the crack in my personality through which God's energy and grace entered. I was taught that with willingness comes surrender, and one by one I began peeling back the layers of the onion that were my old ideas. As I uncovered, discovered and discarded them, God gave me new ways of looking at, thinking about and acting in my life. Slowly, a new man was being born.

What I have found over the years is that letting go is a constant and ongoing process. Each new relationship, job, situation or season brings me face to face with some old ideas or opinions that I've not examined yet. When I become stuck or unhappy these days, I now know to pray for the willingness to let go so God can give me something new.

Today, I'm not as resistant to let go because I know that God always has something better for me.

[bluidkiti]

January 11

Quote of the Week

"God will never give you more than you can handle - but life will."

Before recovery, life was pretty overwhelming. It seemed that no sooner had I put out one fire that two more started. Without a Higher Power in my life, it was up to me alone to handle everything, and before long I become resentful at how unfair life was. This caused me to drink even more, and after a while my life was completely unmanageable.

When I got sober and started working the program, my life actually got more unmanageable at first. Still without a Higher Power, I tried to solve all the problems of my life and handle all the new emotions I felt. Doing this quickly brought me to a complete surrender, and this was when my sponsor taught me about the importance of working steps one, two and three.

He told me to get up each morning and say, "I can't; God can, let Him." By doing this each day I was taking the first three steps, and that's when I began turning my will and my life over to a Higher Power. The miracle of this was that even though life continued to overwhelm me, I found that with God in my life I began to find ways to deal with it with courage and grace.

Today I know that life will still give me more than I can handle alone, but with God, I can handle it all.

[bluidkiti]

January 18

Quote of the Week

"If the grass is greener on the other side, it's because they are putting fertilizer on it!"

I've spent a lot of my life envying what other people had, resenting I didn't have it too, and feeling I deserved it. I've always felt smarter, more talented, better looking, and more suited for the success I've seen others enjoying. I never understood why others seemed to have all the breaks until I entered recovery, and then I got a harsh lesson...

As I started to share my feelings of entitlement with my sponsor, he began to ask me some difficult (for me!) questions. "Why didn't you stay in college?" he asked. "Money is in sales, not college," I answered. "If you think you'd be such a great actor, why haven't you taken acting classes?" "Ah, it's not what you know, it's who you know," I scoffed. After a while, he pointed out that I had all the answers except the one that mattered.

It took me a long time before I could admit that perhaps the reason I wasn't successful was because I wasn't doing the things that successful people do. As childish as it may sound, I learned that the world wasn't waiting to give me things just because of who I thought I was. It took a while, but now I get it:

If the grass is greener on the other side, it's because they are putting fertilizer on it!

[bluidkiti]

January 27

Quote of the Week

"My mind is like a bad neighborhood - I don't go in it alone."

One of the dangers of being alone for me is that I start thinking. Now for a normal person that may be OK, but for an alcoholic like me that almost always means trouble. Colored by the disease of alcoholism, my mind seeks problems and reasons why nothing will work out. Even my so-called "good ideas" soon get me into trouble.

If I dwell in the bad neighborhood of my mind I can also get pretty depressed. I once heard that alcoholism wants me dead but will settle for drunk. If I get lost down its streets, soon I'm cut off from you and the light of my Higher Power and I start believing its dark thoughts. Depressed and alone, my disease has seemingly won - until I reach out.

Today I've learned to share my thoughts with others and to let them into my thought process. I'm no longer comfortable going into the neighborhood of my mind alone and find over and over that things always work out best when I take company. Today when I'm feeling anxious or depressed, I ask myself if I'm in the dark neighborhood of my mind alone. And if so, I call you.

[bluidkiti]

February 1

Quote of the Week

"Anger is one letter away from Danger."

When I came into the program I was so angry, but I didn't realize how much. For years I had used drugs and alcohol to numb these feelings, to manage and hide them. When these were taken way, my anger quickly turned to rage, and I soon found that I had turned much of this rage inward. In fact today I still believe that a core characteristic of alcoholism is self-loathing.

Thank God for the Steps. By working the 12 Steps I learned to forgive others and myself, take responsibility for my part, and I learned how to surrender to a Higher Power. Slowly I began to release a lot of the shame and resentment that made up a lot of my rage.

But I still get angry sometimes. And these days I've learned that when I do get angry, I'm still in danger of turning it inward and acting in self-destructive ways. I'm quick to isolate and grow more depressed, to tell someone off and create resentments, or even to eat too much and go into self-loathing. Thankfully today I've learned to acknowledge and deal with my anger before it turns into rage.

Today I realize that anger is one letter away from danger.

[bluidkiti]

February 8

Quote of the Week

"Directions to recovery: Just go straight to hell and make a U-turn."

When I was new to the program, I heard a word I didn't know the definition of. The word was perdition. As the fog began to clear my, sponsor recommended I look it up, and when I read its meaning I knew it accurately described my state of being - perdition means complete spiritual bankruptcy.

During the final dark months and days of my drinking and using, one by one, I abandoned my self-respect, my self-care, and ultimately the light of my spirit. I was on the way to a private hell where hope and life itself would soon disappear forever. In a desperate moment a part of me reached out for help, and I made the u-turn that led me to recovery.

The miracle that I found in recovery is the miracle that awaits us all - no matter how far down we have fallen, no matter the state of perdition or the depths of hell into which we have descended, we will recovery if we are willing to work the steps. And when we do, we will find that the very experience that nearly took our lives enables us, over time, to help and save another. This is the enduring miracle that is available to all who keep coming back.

No matter what, don't leave before the miracle happens for you, too.

[bluidkiti]

February 15

Quote of the Week

"For every nut in the program, there is a bolt."

When I first entered the rooms of recovery, I was a little taken aback by some of the strange characters I heard share. Some had been to prison; some had lived on the streets; some had been prostitutes; some were ex-gangsters, and some were still pretty crazy. "These people have nothing in common with me," I told my sponsor. "How are they going to help me get sober?"

"Some of these people may not be able to help you directly," he said. "But the fact that they can get this thing and stay sober shows that you can, too." I saw his point. "Besides that," he continued, "even if they don't have the exact experience you've had, there will be someone else who will. No matter what's going on with you, there will always be somebody who has the experience, strength and hope you'll need.

Over the years, I've found this to be so true. One of the things I've learned to count on is that there always is someone who can help me regardless of what I've been or are going through. This has taught me the value of everyone in the program - not just those that I can identify with.

Now I know that there is a bolt for every nut in the program - even me!

[bluidkiti]

February 22

Quote of the Week

"R&R stands for rest and relaxation, not rehearse and rehash!"

"If only my mind would leave me alone," I often think. I have what I call a "digging mind." Like a dog at the beach, it digs and digs and digs in a problem, a worry, or in some other imagined potential problem area or scenario often without my approval or awareness. It loves to uncover negative thoughts, feelings and fears, and then rehearse ugly scenarios, or rehash old problems.

My digging mind is not only relentless, but it is consistently negative as well. I never find it digging in a positive or hopeful place. I can't recall it dwelling on or digging in the hole of getting that great job, or relationship, or winning the lotto, or of having things work out. No, driven by a hundred forms of self-centered fear, it searches the beaches of disappointment and failure, and digs away.

R&R always meant physical relaxation to me. It wasn't until I heard this saying that I thought to give my digging mind a break as well. In fact, before this saying I didn't realize how active my mind stayed when I did try to rest and relax. Today I realize the importance of reigning in my digging mind and allowing (sometimes forcing) it to rest and relax as well. Giving myself a break - a total break - provides me with the renewal and space I need to let the love and light of my Higher Power in. Today, I've learned how to truly rest and relax

[bluidkiti]

February 29

Quote of the Week

"When all the little things really bug me, it's because there's a big thing I'm not facing."

Irritable, restless and discontent - that's my normal state as an alcoholic. Going to meetings, working my steps, praying and relying on my Higher Power are the ways I get restored to sanity and actually achieve some peace and serenity. But even when I am in a calm space, if little things still bother me I now know to look beyond my alcoholism.

It's amazing how my first instinct these days - even with considerable time - is to deny or ignore things that are uncomfortable in my life. And it's been my experience that not facing what at first appears to be a 'big deal' often turns it into one and quickly makes my life unmanageable. And the first signal I have that I've done this is that all the little things (stuck in traffic, misplacing my keys, a line at the market) start to really bother me.

Today I've learned to acknowledge these things and recognize them for what they are - indications that there is something bigger that I'm not dealing with. As soon as I take the time to look at what's really going on, I immediately begin to feel better. And once I begin to apply the tools I've been given in this program to deal with whatever is going on, I find that it really isn't such a big deal after all.

Today I use the little things to help me become aware of and to deal with the 'big things.'

[bluidkiti]

March 7

Quote of the Week

"My sanity today is directly proportional to my honesty."

Before recovery it was hard to keep my story straight. As my drinking and using increased, my omissions turned into half-truths, and these turned into little white lies. After a while I couldn't recognize the truth anymore and as I became disconnected from people and myself, my very reality changed and my sanity disappeared.

As I began to get sober, I started in on the overwhelming task of unraveling the massive knot of lies, stories and deceptive behavior I had engaged in. I felt shame, anger, and remorse as I painfully made my way back to the true self that had been buried beneath the disease of alcoholism.

The road back to sanity began with the words "rigorous honesty." Although seemingly straight forward, the challenge I had was in coming to believe that of myself I was enough, and that if I spoke my truth I would be accepted. The miracle is that the truth actually did set me free, and today the more honest I am, the more peaceful and serene I become.

Today, my sanity truly is directly proportional to my honesty.

[bluidkiti]

March 14

Quote of the Week

"God's message to me is 'stay out of the way, but be ready!'"

This quote made no sense to me for many years. I mean, in the beginning the whole concept of "turn it over" and "surrender" was as foreign to me as speaking another language. I fought every step of the way to control every aspect of my life and was sure I could do it, too. As I worked the steps, though, I was confronted with the unmanageability and wreckage of my life, and I finally admitted that perhaps I didn't have all the answers.

As I began to surrender to the program, I felt like I was getting a lot of mixed messages. On the one hand I was told to "let go and let God," yet then I was told to "suit up and show up." Which is it? I wondered. When do I need to use my will versus when do I turn it all over? This was all very confusing to me for a long time.

Over the years I've finally learned the difference. Today I know that it's my job to prepare to take the next indicated action to the best of my ability and to remain willing. The results, the actions and reactions of others, and many other things, however, are all in God's hands. Today I understand God's message to me is 'stay out of the way, but be ready.'

And by continuing to work the program one day at a time, I am.

[bluidkiti]

March 21

Quote of the Week

"I learn to stop trying hard, and learn to try different."

We alcoholics are a stubborn lot. When I entered the program, there was only one way to do something - my way. And if that didn't work I would just try harder. Bolstered by a seemingly limitless supply of self-will, I was convinced that I could and would get something I wanted. Exhausting though it may have been (for me and those around me) sometimes I even succeeded.

When I entered the program, I was told I needed to change my thinking and abandon my old ideas. While I changed some of them, I still thought that my will, my determination, and my way of doing and getting things would still work. I tried hard to let go, and when that didn't work, I tried harder. In recovery, though, my tolerance for pain isn't as high and I feel the affects of trying hard much sooner, and, more importantly, recovery shows me that there might be another way.

When my sponsor first suggested that I pray about a problem or situation, and then turn it over to my Higher Power, I first thought, "Well that's not going to work. I've got to ..." When I tried it I found that it did work, and over the years I've discovered many other ways of handling things. Now when I'm struggling with a problem or situation, I stop trying so hard, and I try different. And it works (when I work it!).

[bluidkiti]

March 28

Quote of the Week

"We found we couldn't help ourselves, but we could help each other."

Before recovery I did everything I could think of to get better on my own. I'd try to stop drinking during the week; then on Mondays through Thursdays. I'd join a gym and exercise a while, or I'd go on a healthy diet. I went into therapy to work on myself, and I started journaling. At the end of all of this, though, I'd find myself alone, depressed and drunk.

When I entered the program, I thought I might finally learn how to help myself. Instead, I was given direction that made no sense. "Wash the coffee cups after the meeting," I was told. "Get a commitment to get to a meeting early and set the chairs up." "Become a greeter and ask other people how they are doing." What about me? I thought. How am I going to get better if I'm focused on helping others rather than myself? Even though I didn't understand it, I was desperate, so I followed your direction.

And that's when the miracle took place. Over time I came to see that alone I couldn't, but together we could recover. I learned that the solution began when I got out of myself and helped you. That when two alcoholics got together, that's when the power of God flowed and healed us both. Ultimately I learned that when I was helping you, you were helping me and that was the solution I could never find by myself.

Today I know that while I can't help myself, I can always help you - and together, we can help each other.

[bluidkiti]

April 4

Quote of the Week

"Three most dangerous words for an alcoholic: ‘I've been thinking.’"

It took me a long time to learn that my head isn't my friend. For years I heard it was best to run my thinking by others, but I secretly never believed it. My head would always convince me it had a better idea, and time and time again I followed its advice. It almost always turned out bad.

After many more bottoms, I finally became willing to check in more with others. It was hard at first because I was sure I wouldn't like what I heard, but once again contrary action saved the day. After listening to and following others suggestions, my life actually began to get better.

What's so interesting is that today, even with years of experience doing this, my head still tries to convince me to follow its advice. I know better than to listen to it (most of the time), and I will forever be grateful for my sober experience and the loving support of the fellowship.

Today, though, I still know the three most dangerous words for me are: "I've been thinking."

[bluidkiti]

April 11

Quote of the Week

"You're exactly where you're supposed to be."

For as long as I can remember, I've been unhappy where I was and wished I was somewhere else. In school I always wanted to be in the next grade; at work I wanted a more senior position making more money; when I bought my first home, I quickly wanted one with a pool. When I entered recovery, I brought this same impatience and unhappiness into the rooms with me.

I remember complaining to my sponsor after a few months that things hadn't gotten better, and that I even felt worse. He listened patiently and then said, "You're exactly where you're supposed to be." This didn't make sense to me, and as my life continued to unravel and as I grew more frustrated, irritated and angry, I kept complaining. His answer remained the same, and it took years before I finally understood what he meant.

One of the most important things I've learned in recovery is that accepting where I am physically, emotionally and spiritually is the necessary key to changing it. Once I stop resenting how things are or wishing they were different, I can begin working with God to make them better. But it all begins with acceptance of where I am right now.

Today I know that I'm exactly where I should be, and I know how to make it better.