Facing Our Darker Side

[MajestyJo]

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go.

Facing Our Darker Side

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. --Step Four of Al Anon

By the time we get to the Fourth of the Twelve Steps, we are ready to face our darker side, the side that prevents us from loving others, from letting others love us, and from enjoying life and ourselves. The purpose of Step Four is not to make ourselves feel worse; our purpose is to begin to remove our blocks to joy and love.

We look for fears, anger, hurt, and shame from past events--buried feelings that may be affecting our life today. We search for subconscious beliefs about others and ourselves that may be interfering with the quality of our relationships. These beliefs say: Im not lovable. . .. Im a burden to those around me. . .. People cant be trusted. . . . I cant be trusted . . .. I don't deserve to be happy and successful. . .. Life isn't worth living. We look at our behaviors and patterns with an eye toward discerning the self-defeating ones. With love and compassion for ourselves, we try to unearth all our guilt - earned and unearned - and expose it to the light.

We perform this examination without fear of what we shall find, because this soul searching can cleanse us and help us feel better about ourselves than we ever dreamt possible.

God, help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself. Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it. Show me what I need to know about myself.

Today I wait in peace and rest in the knowledge that God is working for me while I am resting. --Ruth Fishel

Have found over the years that I had to pray for the willingness to be willing.

God, help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself. Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it. Show me what I need to know about myself

.

We don't often realize how many blocks and barriers we do erect, and if we do we feel it is for self-preservation. In recovery, we need to take risk and allow ourselves to become vulnerable.

Everyone fears Step Four. We need to turn it into faith. That means a strong and good Step Three. I read somewhere, I think it was the literature, probably AA, that if we have fear of Step Four, go back to Step Three.

First off, we need to look at why we do a Step Four. We are taking an inventory, in other words taking stock of who wee are. We don't have all negative aspects of ourselves although we can't see that at first and might have to be pointed out to us by our sponsor. There will be things that are good and need to be nurtured and developed into something better. There may be things that may be a bit iffy, but witha little love, it can be changed to a more positive thing. Then there is the not so good, and those we need to turn over to our Higher Power. How can we change something if we don't know what it is.

Secondly is about change. Changing our behaviours, patterns, and habits. My sponsor said, "Clean up your personna, your acts, and your mouth."

W can do some work with our sponsor and our God. We don'thave to do it alone. Some of our fear comes from doing a Step Five. That is another Step. We can pray for the willingness to change. Some times it is the willngness to be willing to change or anything else we need to get through these Steps. I found it best to talk to another in the program, someone who understands our disease or dis-ease if it makes you feel better.

[MajestyJo]

More language of letting go

Say when it’s time for a change

Eventually, enough is enough. We have held on to our broken dream until it has become a weight on our back, held on to our broken relationships until we cannot find the strength to give it another go, and clung to expectations, fears, worries, and chains until we can’t stand the strain any longer.

We’re at a crossroads. One path leads further into familiar territory. The other path leads to a breakthrough. What lies on the other side, we can’t see.

It’s the void, the unknown, the unknowable.

This isn’t death. It’s a rebirth, am awakening as profound as that moment when sobriety first takes hold of the lifelong drunk. Or when the confused codependent takes those first steps of self-care.

Are you willing to risk it? Have you reached the point, yet where enough is enough? Or will you take the other, more familiar path back to continue rehashing what you’ve already been through? Sometimes it’s easier to stay with our limitations and with what doesn’t work. At least then we know what to expect.

Take a chance. Try something new. Go ahead. Step on that new path, even though you’re not certain where it will lead. See! Right around the bend is a glowing light. The new path may not be any easier to walk than the old path, but this new road will lead to joy.

For now it’s enough to be willing to change.

To do that, step into the void.

God, help me see the things that I need to let go of to continue my growth. Help me walk away from what’s comfortable and known into the unknown and what I can’t see or predict.

Post Options Post by majestyjo on 21 hours ago
Why wait for the pain to get worse or magically disappear just because you want it doesn't mean it is will disappear, especially if you have a lesson to learn.

We look at things and discount them and say, ''That's not so bad.'' We tend to compare, instead of identifying.

[MajestyJo]

More language of letting go

Say when it’s time to disengage

“Run, duck, hide.”

It’s a motto that has served me well, particularly since I moved to California. “It takes money and a car to live here,” a friend told me once. He was right. And those who don’t have money or a car may try to take yours, I learned soon after that.

Manipulations, scams, and disturbed people abound.

They can be found anywhere. And sometimes these people are not all that disturbed. They’re just going through their stuff, and it doesn’t involve or pertain to us.

Sometimes, it doesn’t make any sense to be therapeutic, helpful, or nice when other people are trying to dump their insanity on you. It will only get you in deeper. Using any rules of engagement will simply mean you’re engaged. Disengage immediately.

Learn when to use your social skills. And learn when it’s time to run, duck, or hide.

God, help me detach when immediate disengagement is what’s required.

Liked this, we don't always have to be in there like a dirty shirt as my mom use to say. We can detach and allow people to learn their own lessons. We can make suggestions and share what worked for us, but what that other person did with it is none of our business.

We are a conduit, we share our message of recovery, with the hope it will help someone else. We don't have to know, we just have to sow.

[MajestyJo]

More language of letting go

Say when it’s too much compassion


Sometimes, it’s easy to step across that line and have too much compassion for the people in our lives. Although compassion is good, too much compassion can cripple the people we’re trying to love. We understand so clearly how they feel that we don’t hold them accountable for themselves. Too much compassion can hurt us,too. We can wind up feeling victimized by and resenting the people we’re experiencing too much compassion toward. We’re so worried about their feelings that we neglect our own.

Too much compassion means we don’t believe in others enough to let them do what they need to do to help themselves. It’s a way of telling them, “You can’t.” You can’t handle your reality. You can’t learn your lessons. You can’t handle the truth, so I’ll treat you like a helpless child.

Too much compassion can leave us prey to victimization and manipulation. We’re so worried about how the other person feels that we neglect to take care of ourselves.

Here are some guidelines about compassion.

. If we’re creating a problem for ourselves to solve someone else’s dilemma, we’ve probably crossed the line.

. If we’re so worried about another person’s pain that we’re neglecting our own emotions, we’re probably over-involved.

. If guilt is the underlying motive for our behavior, maybe what we’re practicing isn’t compassion.

The lesson here isn’t to stop caring about others. Instead we need to respect other people’s right to learn their own lessons.

Too much of anything isn’t a good thing. If we’ve crossed that line into too much compassion, we can step back into the safe zone and use a lighter touch.

God, show me if I’m harming someone in my life– a parent, child, or friend– by smothering that person with too much compassion.

When I heard the word compassion, I tended to shiver and shut down. It took a while for the light to go on and realize that it was because I had very little compassion for myself. I was even too sure of what it was. They say what you see in others, you have some of that within you, so it gave m some hope and allowed me to forgive myself. I am not my disease.

Surrender doesn't mean giving up, it means giving over to our Higher power.