What to Do When the Holidays Trigger Your Feelings of Loss

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What to Do When the Holidays Trigger Your Feelings of Loss

If you've experienced a difficult loss this year or in recent years--a death in the family, an illness, a divorce, a job loss, a natural disaster or a combination of losses--you may find the holidays retrigger your feelings of loss.

In fact, you may be surprised by the depth of your emotions, the clarity of your memories, the details you recall, and how quickly you are taken back to your original loss. The flashes may happen so rapidly that they catch you off guard.

Although you may want these memories to go away, there's really no way to stop them. They are coming to you as a natural part of your healing/grieving process. As each memory comes to mind, they are giving you an important opportunity to feel the emotions you may not have been able to process earlier in your journey. Although it can be difficult, the more you can feel your emotions, the sooner you will move through and beyond your grief.

Whether you are experiencing your first holiday season without a loved one, your home, or your health, you are likely to face situations that bring up old memories and remind you, in no uncertain terms, that your life has changed.

Unfortunately, there's really no way to rewind your life to get it back how it was. There's no way to regain your normal life. There's also no way to ignore what you are feeling.

The only way to navigate this difficult, emotional time is to be very clear about what you need during this season.

1) How do you want to feel? Do you want to reflect? Escape? Remember? Forget?

2) What do you need this season? Do you want time alone? Do you want to spend time with friends? Do you want to get out of town?

3) How can you take care of yourself? Do you need rest? Do you need to spend time in nature? Do you need a quiet day? Do you need to spend time with others of your faith?

4) What rituals can you create to honor your loss and help you move into the future? Is there a poem that speaks to you? Is there a song that soothes you or inspires you? Is there a place you'd like to visit to remember?

As you move through the holidays, take time to check in with yourself each day. Sense what you need for yourself each day....each hour....each minute. As you reconnect with your true needs, trust what you feel. Trust yourself to know what you need in any given situation.

Even if you can't act on your needs in the moment, honor your needs enough to recognize and acknowledge how you feel. When you are faced with a similar situation or similar feelings in the future, you will have more knowledge about your own needs. With this new information about yourself, you'll be better able to create circumstances that will work for you.

For example, if you want to spend some time alone this holiday, be true to yourself and create a way to do just that. It's perfectly natural to want to hibernate during this time to feel your emotions in a safe environment. Perhaps you set aside a day for yourself when it doesn't impact time with your loved ones. Or you might feel that the usual holiday festivities are just too much for you. If there's a way, you might want to make other plans or limit the amount of time you spend at the big event.

Even though it may feel foreign, ask those around you for what you need. It's true that some may not understand your request. They may find strength and normalcy when they are surrounded by traditional activities and other people. Others will understand you and support you in what you need. Do what you can to create the circumstances that will be best for you.

For instance, if you can't figure out a way to stay away from the family gathering all together, see what you can do to limit your stay or take on a task (peeling the potatoes or washing the dishes) that helps you avoid the frenzy of activity.

If you must attend the festivities, plan some quiet time for yourself before the event or plan a special day for yourself before or after with the goal of doing what you need to take care of yourself.

Be gentle with yourself as you move through the holidays this year. Honor your needs and you will find a new source of peace within yourself.

--Carol McClelland