Hello - trying to understand my alcoholic brain

[MajestyJo]

Welcome Irish Jack. Thanks for sharing the information. I was told by my sponsor to not focus on the whys, wheres, and hows, and to quit trying to intellectualize. I compared instead of identifying and stayed sick even though I was staying sober.

It isn't about my past and what I used, it is about staying clean and sober in today. I was told that it was an allergy and that I didn't metabolize things the way normal people do. It is an obsession of the mind, even when I am not using my drug of choice, I am thinking about it, and it takes over my life to the exclusion of the important things in my life. Everything got put aside to drink. I spent a lot of time at the Legion and told myself and others, that I was doing community work (selling poppies for Nov. 11, on ways and means committee, putting on euchre and movie nites for seniors, sports officer for the area, putting on euchre, cribbage, dart and bowling tournaments) and the reality was, I wanted to fit in, I wanted to be a part of, and I left my son alone, or with a baby sitter, or with my dad who was an alcoholic. My drinking became the center of my life. It was about going home, cooking dinner, if I couldn't get someone else to cook it, and go back to the Legion. That is why I say, I used people, places, and things. I was also addicted to prescription pills because of pain, and they were my coping too. I use to ask myself, "Am I an alcoholic or and addict?" The reality is, it doesn't matter what I call it, I got the disease of addiction, alcohol is a drug. I used it like I did pills, the people in my life, food to stuff the feelings, and worked (service even became an addiction in recovery and I had to pray and turn it over and I got a change in attitude and it was no longer an obsession) to not look at me and keep busy so I didn't have to be alone with me.

I have found that if I focus on my disease and what was, I miss out living in today.

Hope you will continue to come and share your journey with us.