Defects of Character

[MajestyJo]

Willing/Contrary

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” - - unknown

When I got to recovery, I saw everyone doing what I had tried doing for eight years before I got here. They stopped using and stayed stopped. I was sick and tired of being tired and sick, using was no longer an option, it was do or die. I was willing to do whatever it took to stay clean and sober. I use to go around and say, "If they told me to climb a telephone pole once a day and sit for several hours, I would have done it.

I have always had the willingness to stay sober. I have, for the most part, been willing to go to any length to do it. I kept coming and did the do things, because I had a healthy fear of going back out if I did not. I had a lot of people who went back out and did the research for me.

I learned not to trust the people, just because they were in the rooms of recovery, didn't mean they had sobriety. What I did learn to trust was the program. I saw that it worked. Through that trust, I learn to trust a Higher Power, which lead me to be willing to look at myself.

Before I had always been looking outward. I no longer played the blame game, and was willing to look at me. The problem wasn't the substance (pills, alcohol, men, food, work, etc.), it was but a symptom of my disease. The problem was me.

"Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway".
- - Robert Anthony

For most of my life I was more willfull than willing. I want what I want and I want it now.

By the time I got to the doors of recovery, I became willing to do what ever it took, not to go back to where I came from. Using was no longer an option, so I was willing to do what was suggested to me. They say they are only suggestions, but I also found them to be, enlightening, if I didn't do, I wouldn't be able to stay sober. My best thinking got me to the doors of recovery.

For the most part, I have kept that willingness. Willing to change, willing to make changes, willing to learn and grow.

I didn't have my won't power! I had problems saying "No" and yet when I should, I couldn't say "No" to the wrong things. Recovery was learning to say no to drugs and abuse. Abuse from myself and others was no longer an option, I was willing to learn to care for myself and learn to live a healthy way of life.

My father told me many years ago that I was contrary, more than I was stubborn. It seemed like I like arguing for argument sake. I wasn't willing to give in and agree, I went kicking and fighting all the way. As they say, "I had to change my attitude in order to recover."