Defects of Character

[MajestyJo]

Hopeful/Despondent

This is where I have been the last few days. My son has been talking about going into detox and then going back into recovery. That gave me hope, that finally, he was willing to do for himself.

The hope was followed by despondence, because like before, it has been talk and no action.

Today I spoke to him and asked if he had called detox. He said, "I can't smoke there." I am not going there until I have smoked my last cigarette, and I have no cigarettes to come back to.

Hope is there, because I didn't find recovery until I was 49. He will be 48 next month.

It is much easier listening than hearing him talk suicidal.

With my own pain, plus the stuff I was taking on that wasn't mine, not being able to detach completely, I was back thinking of stop the world, I want to get off. I was losing hope for myself, because if it wasn't one thing it was another. I am aware that alot of it is emotional and me having problems letting go and accepting that one more thing that seems to be added to the load.

As they say, never fear, God is near. Let go of my son and his issues. Let go of my own pain, turn it over to my Higher Power, and pray for healing, awareness, acceptance, and the removal of all blocks and barriers.

How can I have hope, if I don't go to my God, I am powerless over my own dis-ease and that of my sons. How can I have hope if I don't trust.